sooenaemoured | 2014: (make it up) as we go along (2/2) (for beojji)

Chanyeol once told Kyungsoo that she was the most important girl in his life. She had rolled her eyes back then and reminded him that she’s actually third in the list of the most important girls in his life because there was still his mother and Yoora. Kyungsoo still remembers clearly how Chanyeol had cupped her face to make sure she wouldn’t look away as he said his next words.

“They are important, but they’re also family so they don’t count,” Chanyeol had said. “You don’t choose who your family is going to be. But you can choose the rest of the people that you let into your life. I choose you. You are the first and best person I choose to let into mine. You are the most important girl in my life, Kyungsoo Do.”

Kyungsoo remembers how she had laughed at his seriousness and how Chanyeol had laughed it off as well. But then he kept on insisting that he wasn’t lying or kidding around, that just because he laughed (which he only did because she did) it meant that he didn’t mean what he said. In truth, Kyungsoo believed him. She really did. Because Chanyeol was that kind of person who never said anything he didn’t mean, even if he meant it only at that moment. He still meant it.

Chanyeol’s anger, he meant that, too. He meant what he said in his argument with her. Chanyeol meant that he didn’t like the way Kyungsoo’s friendship with Baekhyun is going. Kyungsoo has to stop and consider that. Chanyeol’s never really asked anything from her in all the time they’ve been friends. Maybe it’s time that she stopped to give something back.

“You’re thinking so hard.” Jongdae puts an arm around her when all she does is look at him with a blank look. “You’re going to grow old before your time. You’re always so stressed these days.”

“Yes well, I don’t have anyone to talk to about it,” Kyungsoo mutters with a pout.

“What am I a statue?” Jongdae pulls away from her, looking offended.

“Jongdae,” Kyungsoo starts, linking his arm with his to pull him back. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

Jongdae sighs and gives in when Kyungsoo wraps an arm around his waist. He half hugs her when she cuddles, not caring whether they’re displaying too much affection in public. “You know,” he says conversationally, “Liyin agreed to go out with me.”

Kyungsoo pulls away to look at his face and smile at him. “On a proper date?”

“Yes,” Jongdae chuckles, pulling her back to him. “Not in the library for research. But on a proper date, in a restaurant with food and drinks.”

“That’s really great,” Kyungsoo tells him, giggling. “I’m so happy for you.”

Jongdae sighs, but Kyungsoo thinks it’s the dreamy kind. “I really do like her,” he confesses like she doesn’t already know this.

“I know,” she says. Kyungsoo has never seen Jongdae smile at anyone the way he smiles at Liyin, like she makes him happy even when she’s not doing anything. It’s like her mere existence is joy enough for him.

“She told me that she admired my persistence,” he shares with a laugh. “She told me that anyone with the kind of dedication that I have would go far in life. I just told her that I just really liked her.” Kyungsoo giggles. Of course Jongdae would be cheesy like that. “I agree with her, though,” he continues. “Anything that we want to have, we should just go for it. Try and try and try, until there’s a breakthrough. I mean, I really didn’t think I had a shot with Liyin. She’s this amazing person and I’m me.”

“What are you talking about?” Kyungsoo unwraps herself from around him, affronted. “You’re an amazing guy. You’re loyal and funny and dedicated, just like she said. You’re incredibly patient and you’re a good listener and you’re fun to be around.”

“I noticed you skipped handsome,” Jongdae inputs.

“The point is,” Kyungsoo ignores him, “that you’re a great guy and people should be lining up because anyone would be lucky to have you as their boyfriend.”

“I don’t see a line anywhere,” Jongdae comments, looking around.

“Jongdae,” she says, making a face at him.

“I’m kidding,” he teases her, shoving her lightly. “I know I’m great.” Kyungsoo scoffs. “But Liyin is so amazing that she makes me want to do better. You know that she got into early admission for Stanford pre-law?”

“Wow,” Kyungsoo says, leaning back in surprise.

“Yeah,” Jongdae confirms with a nod. “I know, right? Who would’ve thought? She’s in cheerleading because she loves dancing and wants to support her brother’s football. But she works really hard at school and she really wants to go into law because she loves history and politics and wants to give back to society or something like that. And I’m just… in awe. I’ve never met a person like her, who is so focused at what she wants. I just want to be the same and, I think that anyone who makes you want to be better, who makes you want to be your best self is a keeper, don’t you think?”

“She does sound like a keeper,” Kyungsoo agrees with a smile. “I’m glad you’re going out with her on a proper date.”

“Me too,” Jongdae admits.

Kyungsoo leans her head on Jongdae’s shoulder, smiling. Jongdae’s always been the happy type of person but she’s really never seen him this happy before. He is right, though, perseverance does pay off. His certainly did.

“I don’t know what I want,” Kyungsoo speaks up, squeezing her eyes shut as she does. She isn’t sure that she knows exactly what she’s referring to and Jongdae probably wants to ask but he doesn’t. “I don’t know… sometimes, I think I know and sometimes I think I can go for it but then I stop to think and I realize I can’t.” Baekhyun’s face flashes in her mind and she takes a deep breath. “But there are people I’ve met who make me want to be better, Jongdae. Just like how Liyin does it for you—or maybe not exactly the same, but they just make me want to do more and be more and it’s scary. Because I don’t think I can do it. What if it’s a mistake and—“

“Hey,” Jongdae whispers, rubbing his hand up and down her shoulder soothingly. “It’s okay to be scared. But if it scares you, don’t you think it’s worth trying anyway? Like why are you so scared? I think that’s something we always have to consider. What’s so bad about trying it out right?”

Kyungsoo agrees. But, at the same time, she doesn’t think it’s that easy. She doesn’t have Jongdae’s courage, or his positive attitude towards everything. She doesn’t think she can do what he did with Liyin or with how he’s going to pursue what he wants for university even if it’s against his parents’ wishes. Kyungsoo wishes that she did, though. She wishes that she were built like Jongdae, that she could overcome her fears, that she could admit to things she didn’t think she’d ever feel.

“But what if other people don’t understand?” she asks meekly.

He sighs. “I think we have to make the people around us understand anyway,” is what he says. “We have to make them see that this is what we want, that this is what will make us happy. But first,” he maintains, lifting Kyungsoo’s face so she would look at him, “you have to admit that you want it.”

Chanyeol is still not speaking to her. When Kyungsoo smiled at him when she arrived with her parents and made a beeline for the Park family, Chanyeol just looked at her like he was looking past her. He smiled when their parents shooed them off, putting a hand on her back as they ushered themselves away because it was the proper thing to do. But, as soon as they were out of sight, Chanyeol turned away and left her. Social events like this were much easier, even fun, when Chanyeol was around. But now Kyungsoo almost wishes that he wasn’t here. That way she wouldn’t feel bad every time she sees him in the crowd.

They continue the avoiding dance until they were seated at the same table, right beside each other. Joonmyun and Kris grace them with their presence, their clothes noticeably rumpled. Kyungsoo just ignores that and smiles as Joonmyun sits on her other side. Joonmyun gives her hand a squeeze and Kyungsoo thinks she can make it through this dinner if only for the presence of a friendly face.

The meat on Kyungsoo’s plate is too tough. She places her utensils on the side of her plate, giving up having to eat anything for the evening, and pays attention to Joonmyun instead. She’s been going on and on about university event that Columbia throws to the freshman, while Kris tries to calm her down with a large hand on Joonmyun’s significantly smaller one. Kyungsoo watches as Joonmyun’s noticeably relaxes as her boyfriend smiles at her. Kris has always mastered the art of making Joonmyun relax. Probably the perks of being the love of her life.

When Kyungsoo moves to take a sip of her drink, she notices that the steak on her plate is gone. She looks down on her lap then on the floor for it before she sees that Chanyeol is hard at work cutting something down. Her steak.

“Chanyeol, you don’t have to,” Kyungsoo speaks up, mouth dry.

“I’d rather you ate something,” is all Chanyeol says before dumping all the cut up meat on her plate. Chanyeol is mad at her. He’s mad at her and he shouldn’t be nice to her.

“But—“ she tries again.

“Eat something,” Chanyeol insists, eyes firm.

Kyungsoo pokes a piece of the steak with her fork and puts it in her mouth. “Thank you,” she tells him. Chanyeol just smiles and goes back to his food.

The event feels considerably less stiff after that. Kyungsoo relaxes at the thought that maybe she and Chanyeol would start speaking again soon enough. She tries to go after him when the event finishes but Chanyeol disappears through the doors before she could even excuse herself from her parents.

When she gets home that evening, however, she finds Chanyeol sitting inside the lobby. He stands up when they walk in, greeting Kyungsoo’s parents properly before they disappear into the elevator.

“Hey,” Chanyeol says, shoving his hands in his slacks pockets.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo slowly returns.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” he asks with a small hopeful smile.

Kyungsoo glances outside, watching and hearing how the wind softly blows. When she turns to Chanyeol, he’s already putting his jacket around her.

“Okay,” she agrees, wrapping the jacket tighter around her.

“What are we doing here?” Kyungsoo asks, raising an eyebrow at Baekhyun, who is grinning at her like Christmas arrived early.

They’re outside the Imperial Theatre in the middle of West 45th Street with all the bright lights and dressed up people who are cueing up to go inside. Baekhyun himself is dressed to the nines and he’s also asked Kyungsoo to dress up formally. If she didn’t know anything better, she would think that they were going to watch the musical. Baekhyun wiggles his eyebrows up and down.

“Baekhyun, are you serious?” Kyungsoo gasps, looking up at the theatre sign that reads They’re Playing Our Song. “You can’t be serious!”

“I am always serious,” Baekhyun tells her gravely, winking at her as he offers his arm to her and escorts her inside.

“Oh my goodness,” Kyungsoo whispers as they walk in, amazed by the grandeur of the theatre. She’s never been inside any of the theatres in New York because she’s never watched any of the plays or musicals before. “This is incredible.”

“Just wait until we get inside,” Baekhyun tells her with a bigger smile.

The theatre itself is even more impressive than Kyungsoo could have imagined. The whole floor is carpeted, muffling all the footsteps, the sounds of the designer heels and expensive leather shoes. The seats are dark red, very comfortable and warm, and when Kyungsoo sinks into them she could feel herself getting cozy enough to allow herself to sleep if she wanted to.

Their seats are by the orchestra, where Kyungsoo can see the band, the violinists, the pianist, the cellists, the trumpet players and all the other musicians. They’re tuning their instruments, creating some sort of musical din in the hallowed hall and Kyungsoo just sighs back in her seat, slightly overwhelmed.

“What are we doing here, Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo asks again, turning towards him. He has this contented look on his face that makes Kyungsoo want to lean forward and kiss him. She coughs at the thought and leans back just to make sure she wouldn’t do it.

Baekhyun shrugs. “It’s my birthday,” he shares like it’s nothing.

“What?” she croaks. “Did you say it’s your birthday?”

“I did,” he confirms with a chuckle. “It’s my birthday.”

“And what, you decided you wanted to splurge on a musical?” Kyungsoo persists, glancing around as the seats around them get filled up with very well dressed and seemingly exceedingly rich people.

“No,” Baekhyun answers, shaking his head. “That I wanted to spend it with you.”

Chanyeol’s face flashes in Kyungsoo’s head. Chanyeol, standing in front of her, handsome even when his necktie is loose, his shirt a little disheveled, his hair messed up from when he kept on running his fingers through it.

“I like you, Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol had said and Kyungsoo stood frozen in her place. “I’ve liked you for a while now. That’s why I was so mad. That’s why I got upset. That’s why I’m not very happy… with you and Baekhyun being close. I like you.”

Kyungsoo remembers wrapping Chanyeol’s suit jacket tighter around her.

Chanyeol confessing to her is the last thing that Kyungsoo expected to happen. He’s such an important person in her life, so important that she was so taken aback; she just stared at him in muted astonishment. Kyungsoo didn’t know what to do then and she still doesn’t know what to do now. What she knows is that Chanyeol is important to her and she doesn’t want to hurt him.

Kyungsoo looks at Baekhyun, smiling at her, half smug, half expectant and she wishes she didn’t want to kiss him so badly.

“Baekhyun,” she starts. “I…”

Right then, the lights dim and the words die in her throat. Baekhyun’s hand finds hers in the dark, squeezing it, assuring.

Kyungsoo remembers wanting to watch The Phantom of the Opera. She’s heard about how grand and how magnificent of a production it is from Joonmyun, who has probably watched almost every popular musical in Broadway. Joonmyun had told her about the kind of love and the passion that the characters in that musical had, how Raoul’s love had completed Christine and how the Phantom’s love for her had, in turn, nearly destroyed that completeness and her. Raoul and Christine’s love is the kind of love that Joonmyun had always dreamed of, that dreamy and unconditional kind that made you do things purely because it was for the better of the other.

Vernon and Sonia’s love story in They’re Playing Our Song is different. While it may be a love stemming from similar passions, it was also sudden and blazing. They fought all the time because of jealousy and misunderstandings and couldn’t seem to agree on anything. At the end of the day, they had each other and knew that they were in love. At the end of the musical, they got back together because they knew they wanted to be together.

Kyungsoo thinks she would like a love that’s more similar to that. She understands what Joonmyun is saying about passion and doing anything for the one you love, but Kyungsoo also understands that there has to be much passion within you to be able to give away that kind of passion to another person. With Sonia and Vernon in They’re Playing Our Song, they both want to love each other the way they both want to be loved, but it’s not working because of the jealousy and miscommunications, because they both still need to grow individually. Kyungsoo thinks it would be nice if she could find someone who would want to grow with her as they showered each other with love.

“Thank you,” Kyungsoo tells Baekhyun as the curtain falls and the house lights go on. The people around them stand up to make their way to the exits.

“Did you like it?” Baekhyun asks.

“I more than liked it,” Kyungsoo responds emphatically, holding his hand tightly. “I loved it. Thank you.”

Baekhyun smiles proudly at her. He pulls her to stand so they could start leaving the venue. “It’s just a two-person play, but it was really good,” he says.

“Well it’s like that in relationships, too, isn’t it?” Kyungsoo tells him, keeping close to Baekhyun to avoid bumping into other people. “Sometimes the world just disappears when you’re in a relationship.” She laughs at the cheesiness of it.

Baekhyun chuckles, tightening his hold on her hand. “I really liked how it felt real,” he shares. “How it showed that relationships tend to get messy when there’s jealousy and when there’s no communication.”

“It did feel real,” Kyungsoo responds with a nod. “I liked how they both had something they were good at, that they’re individually successful but that being in a relationship is still something they had to learn, like it was another goal.”

“Or a dream,” Baekhyun pipes in.

“Dreams,” Kyungsoo murmurs.

New York at night continues to be incredible. Even though Kyungsoo has seen it so many times, it never fails to make her feel breathless. West 45th Street is filled with people coming out of theatres, musicals being finished, all glammed up in their best formal wear, fur coats and gold.

“I don’t know how anyone can ever leave New York or not dream of being here at any point in their lives,” Kyungsoo suddenly states, looking up at the sky.

“Well it is the city of dreams,” Baekhyun reminds her. “So everyone probably does dream of coming here at least once.”

“Do you think that’s true?” she then asks, looking at him. Baekhyun’s hair is soft on his forehead, the wind gently ruffling it, his eyes lined dark, and his lips are pink due to the slight cold. They stretch when he smiles and Kyungsoo gets that urge to kiss him again.

“I think that you don’t have to live in New York to follow your dreams,” Baekhyun tells her. “This isn’t the only place where they can come true, just like how there isn’t just one thing that you can dream, one thing that you can want.”

The cars go past them in varying speeds and Baekhyun makes sure Kyungsoo stays close to him as they walk down the sidewalk. Her heels click on the pavement as she tries to keep up with Baekhyun’s bigger strides, his own black leather shoes making their own sound. They must look silly like this; a girl and a guy wearing formal wear, holding hands, like they’re… Kyungsoo abruptly pulls her hand away, startling Baekhyun.

“Kyungsoo?” he prompts.

“What did you mean?” she suddenly asks. “About having more than one thing you can want.”

Baekhyun glances at Kyungsoo’s hands, which she clasps together, before lifting his eyes to look at her. “I meant that there are always decisions to be made,” he explains. “But that you don’t always have to choose between that or several other things. Like… like how you can still sing even if you want to study to be a lawyer.”

“Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo says his name, almost reprimanding. She stops walking but takes a step back when he turns to face her.

“Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun slowly starts. “I know that you want to sing, that you—“

“How can you know that I want that when I know for myself that it isn’t true?” she interrupts him. Her heart is beating fast in her chest. No one has ever talked to her like this. No one has ever talked to her about singing or music. No one else was like her grandmother. “It’s not true. I don’t want to sing. I don’t like singing. I don’t like music. It’s a part of me that I don’t remember anymore.”

“And yet,” Baekhyun maintains calmly, “when you listen to a song you like, when you hear even so much as an attractive melody, you start humming and singing along. You get stars in your eyes when there’s music, like you want to do something to be a part of it. Like when we were watching earlier.”

“I don’t… know what you’re talking about,” Kyungsoo helplessly replies. This cannot be happening. She made sure that nothing like this would be brought up. She made sure that she kept it at bay. Music is no longer a part of her life anymore. She’d forgone singing for a long time.

“When you sang with the band,” Baekhyun jogs her memory, smiling when she meets his eyes, “you sang beautifully, like you were meant to do it, even though you were afraid and kept on insisting that you aren’t a singer.” He pauses and takes a step towards her and holds her hand. “You are a singer, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo closes her eyes.

“You are a wonderful singer, Kyungsoo,” her grandmother had told her after she had played the piano for her and had sung along. “That was really lovely.” She had smiled at her like she meant and believed what she said. “You shine the most when you do what you love.”

But that’s not what Kyungsoo needs. She doesn’t want to be a singer. She’s going to be a lawyer.

Opening her eyes, she pulls her hand away again and shakes her head. “I’m not,” she whispers. “I’m really not.”

“What are you so afraid of?” Baekhyun asks her frankly. “I don’t understand why you keep denying it when everything you do just shows that this is what you want.”

“I’m going to be a lawyer,” Kyungsoo reminds him, taking a deep breath as she starts walking again.

“You keep saying that,” Baekhyun says, following after her. “You always say that you’re going to be a lawyer.”

“Because that’s what’s going to happen,” she returns. “I am going to be a lawyer. I’m going to study in Harvard, take up pre-law and take up law and become a lawyer. I’m going to practice it and become successful and my family will be happy.”

“Don’t you want to be happy, Kyungsoo?” Baekhyun grabs her wrist and makes her face him.

“What—“

“You always say that you want to be a lawyer because it will make your family happy,” he reminds her. “But don’t you want to be a lawyer because it will make you happy? Is that what will make you happy?”

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath and remembers. She thinks about what it was once like, when she had followed her heart and tried. She remembers how much it hurt after. Shaking her head, she takes a couple of steps back.

“You never say that being a lawyer is what you want,” Baekhyun says softly. “You’ve never said that being a lawyer will make you happy.”

“I’m done with singing,” Kyungsoo chokes, blinking rapidly. She swipes at her face when a tear falls on her cheek. “I’m done.”

Baekhyun chuckles, reaching out to wipe another tear that falls on her other cheek. “You talk like you’re 40,” he comments.

“I may as well be,” she says as more tears spill on her cheeks.

“Even so,” he maintains, cupping her face with his hands before wrapping his arms around her in a tight embrace. “Dreams have no expiration date.”

“I really, really don’t like you, you know that right?” Kyungsoo tells him through his shoulder.

Baekhyun laughs, a hand on the back of her head, ruffling her hair. “It ain’t over until it’s over.”

Kyungsoo lets herself cry. She lets the fear overwhelm her. But now that she’s letting herself be afraid, she can recall much clearer what it had been like when she hadn’t closed herself up, when she still had her grandmother to tell her that she’s a lovely singer. What are the odds that Baekhyun would be the one to open her up again? Kyungsoo remembers Jongdae talking about how Liyin makes him want to be better and remembers that she had thought the same about Baekhyun. Maybe she really feels more for Baekhyun than she had earlier admitted to herself. Maybe it’s time that she gave in to that just like how, maybe, she’s giving in to singing again.

“I can’t wait for the week to be over,” Jongdae groans as he buries his face into his arms. He slumps on the table, leaning heavily on Kris, who glares at him even though Jongdae can’t see it.

“It’s Friday, Jongdae,” Chanyeol tells him flatly.

“So what?” Jongdae retorts, lifting his head up. “It’s not 4 o’clock yet. That’s when the week ends.” Kris snickers and Chanyeol makes a face at the both of them.

“You can’t wait for another 20 minutes?” Joonmyun rolls her eyes at him, leaning into Kris’ embrace.

They’re staying at their normal hangout at the quad. Kris and Joonmyun have study period, while Chanyeol, Jongdae and Kyungsoo have been let out of their class early. Baekhyun, meanwhile, is still stuck in class. It’s nice hanging out like this on a Friday afternoon, where they can start relaxing even before their classes have ended.

“Twenty minutes is too long,” Jongdae whines, leaning his head on Kris’s shoulder, jostling Kris and Joonmyun, who pouts. “Hey,” he suddenly says, straightening up. “Are you guys going to that benefit later? My mom is making me go. Please say you’re going to be there.”

“I’m pretty sure we’re unable to escape these things no matter how hard we try,” Chanyeol snickers.

“Well you haven’t been present in the past couple of events,” Jongdae reminds him before stopping himself so suddenly. He glances at Kyungsoo, who doesn’t notice and just continues writing down something on her planner.

“Did you guys want to go together?” Joonmyun asks them. “Kris is picking me up because my parents are coming from another benefit. We can drop by your place and go together.”

“I’ll pass,” Kyungsoo tells them without looking up.

“Why?” Chanyeol wants to know.

“I have to attend rehearsal before going home,” Kyungsoo answers. “I’ll make you guys late.”

“Rehearsal for what?” Jongdae wants to know, looking curious.

“For the talent show at the school fair,” Kyungsoo responds absently

“For the what?” Chanyeol, Jongdae and Joonmyun chorus, making Kyungsoo look up for the first time.

Her friends are staring at her like she’d done something unforgiveable with the way their eyes are wide and mouths hanging open when she’s only told them that she was going to rehearse for the talent show. Kyungsoo closes her eyes for a second when she realizes what she’s done. She gives them a sheepish smile.

“You joined the talent show?” Chanyeol slowly asks.

“Um,” Kyungsoo says, shifting uncomfortably in her seat. “Surprise?”

“Oh my goodness, Kyungsoo,” Joonmyun gushes, squeezing her hand from across the table.

“When did this happen?” Jongdae demands. “Because the last time we talked about this, you and Chanyeol had a face off.”

Kyungsoo rolls her eyes. “That isn’t what happened,” she corrects him then shrugs as she closes her planner. “Baekhyun signed me up for it. We had a discussion about it. It wasn’t pretty, mind you,” she tells them and the whole table goes quiet. “What?”

“You joined because Baekhyun asked you to?” Kris, speaking up for the first time, clarifies.

Kyungsoo opens her mouth then closes it again when she sees Chanyeol staring very intently at the tabletop. She didn’t intend it to sound the way it did, like maybe Baekhyun is more special because he managed to make Kyungsoo do something that they’ve been asking of her in a long time. It really just so happened that Baekhyun had signed her up and, after making her admit that she still wanted to sing, she couldn’t really back out on it. Before she could explain, Chanyeol had stood up to leave.

“Chanyeol, where are you going?” Kyungsoo calls after him, but Chanyeol doesn’t stop walking away.

“So he told you,” Kris asks when the table remains quiet. Kyungsoo just looks at him and he sighs.

“This is what you meant, isn’t it?” Kyungsoo suddenly asks them. “This is why you,” she refers to Kris, “were so mad that I was spending so much time with Baekhyun; why you,” she then turns to Jongdae and Joonmyun, “told me that Chanyeol was mad for a different reason than I was thinking.”

Joonmyun sighs. “Chanyeol’s grandmother was also sick for the past couple of days,” she reveals. Kyungsoo stares at her. Joonmyun is biting her lower lip. “I think it was really more of that and you being busy than him liking you.” She pauses for a bit to fiddle with the pen that she’s holding. “But it’s not your fault.”

Kyungsoo cried like a baby when her grandmother died. She’d cooped herself up in her room long after the burial, refusing to come to school for a week. No one really understood how much her grandmother meant to her aside from Chanyeol. No one had hugged Kyungsoo and comforted her the way Chanyeol did. She’d promised him then that she would be there for Chanyeol no matter what he needed from her, the way she’d also promised that she wouldn’t hurt him.

Kyungsoo isn’t sure breaking which promise is worse.

Kyungsoo likes having Baekhyun being around. She likes his regular invitations to go out because it meant that she wouldn’t be cooped up at home with her books and with her mind; it also meant being able to see more of New York, a place that she thought she knew by heart. She likes hearing Baekhyun talk, his voice washing over her like a calm before a storm. His voice is constant music to her ears, the way he teases her, tells her about his dreams, the way he laughs, the way he always tells her that there is so much more in the world to want and dream about.

Kyungsoo has gotten used to Baekhyun only being at most an arm’s length away, where it’s easy to push him away for being annoying or pull him closer for some warmth. She likes the way he pulls her close, likes the way she lets him.

She’s pretty sure that Baekhyun knows all of this, obvious with the way he’s constantly around, which is why she knows he’s surprised and confused when she says no to going out with him. It’s the third time in two weeks that she’s asked to reschedule.

Kyungsoo watches as the corners of Baekhyun’s mouth turn down as he tries hard not to show his disappointment. Baekhyun always tries so hard to pretend that he doesn’t get affected and tries so hard not to let his feelings show so Kyungsoo acts as if he’s not reflecting how he actually feels.

“You’re going home to study?” Baekhyun asks as they walk out of class. Chanyeol has since long stopped waiting for her after classes, which Kyungsoo can’t help anymore. She’s tried to talk to him twice, to make him understand that Baekhyun is just her friend, that they’re just friends, and that her joining the talent show had absolutely nothing to do with feelings.

“I actually have to rehearse for the talent show,” Kyungsoo admits, turning a corner towards the direction of the music room. “That’s what I’ve been doing, rehearsing.” While it’s not exactly the reason why Kyungsoo doesn’t want to go out with him, but it’s a good enough reason anyway.

The school fair is that weekend and Kyungsoo is still having a hard time with steadying her voice at the beginning of the song. She always gets too nervous and antsy before she begins and that affects the whole first stanza until she gets her bearings. By the beginning of the first chorus, she’s doing okay but her voice only really stabilizes as the chorus ends. The second stanza onwards is a piece of cake after that. Still, practicing everyday for two weeks hasn’t calmed her nerves.

“Oh?” Baekhyun’s expression changes and he smiles. “What are you singing?”

Kyungsoo is singing a love song, that kind that’s ridiculous because it’s the kind that talks about being in love even if it’s not right. “Something I probably shouldn’t be singing,” is her answer and Baekhyun laughs.

Baekhyun follows her to the music room, even though Kyungsoo never asked him to. He takes a seat on the chair by the door, while she takes her place on the piano, music sheets ready. Someone else was assigned to play the piano for her while she sings on Saturday, but she isn’t around to do that today. Seohyun mentioned something about an essay that she needed to rewrite.

The last time Kyungsoo played the piano, Baekhyun was there. No one else has seen her touch the piano and, for some reason, this makes her feel self-conscious. The first couple of notes leave her fingertips and Baekhyun makes a small sound of surprise at the choice of song.

“It’s either this or Crazy For You,” Kyungsoo told him. “And I’m really more of a Whitney Houston kind of girl. Even if the subject of the song is less than ideal.” Baekhyun chuckles but doesn’t say anything else.

Her breath hitches just as she starts to sing. It makes her hurry through the first couple of words as she misses a cue but tries to sustain it as she catches up. Her fingers fumble over the key, out of practice with singing while playing the piano at the same time. It’s hard, pushing herself back into this without any sort of buffer. The first three days of rehearsal were a pain, Seohyun having to restart the song several times before she got used to it. It’s even harder having a different person in the room. What would she be like in front of hundreds of her schoolmates?

Kyungsoo is startled when a hand is placed on her shoulder. She falters with her playing and stops completely when Baekhyun urges her to. He then replaces her on the piano bench and studies the music piece for a second before he starts playing the introduction.

“I’ll play,” Baekhyun tells her, smiling at her stunned reaction. “You focus on singing.” Kyungsoo takes a deep breath as she watches his fingers, perfect for piano playing, against the white keys. “Just think about the song, and nothing else.”

“I can’t do this,” Kyungsoo suddenly says, crouching down on the floor, her arms hugging her knees. It’s too much. This is too much. No one should expect this much from her when she doesn’t expect this of herself at all. “Why did you sign me up for this?”

Baekhyun crouches down in front of her. “Do you want the candid answer?”

“Was there a time you weren’t candid?” Kyungsoo asks, lifting her face and resting her chin on top of her arms to look at him. All this time, she’s always had the impression that Baekhyun never knows how to hide what he thinks.

“You know me well,” Baekhyun chuckles, and Kyungsoo frowns because this is not the time. “Hey, you know why I signed you up for this? Why, despite the fact that you can hate me forever, I did it anyway?”

“I’m not going to hate you forever,” Kyungsoo mutters. “In fact, I don’t hate you at all. Not yet, anyway.” She’s not sure she can hate Baekhyun.

“Because you need more people to see how you are when you sing, when you do something related to music so they can tell you how happy and how beautiful you look when you do,” Baekhyun says.

Baekhyun’s eyes are intent on her; his dark lashes fluttering to his cheeks, slightly pink. “Why do you say things like that?” she asks him dubiously.

“Things like what?” Baekhyun blinks, caught off-guard.

“Things like that,” Kyungsoo repeats. “Like you’re always…” She lets out a breath and closes her eyes. It doesn’t matter. “I’m really not ready for this. I can’t even sing properly with just one person in the room. How am I going to do it with a larger audience?”

“Like this.” Baekhyun pulls her to stand. He keeps his eyes on Kyungsoo, even as he moves to sit on the piano bench. “You pick one person in the audience, one whom you can keep looking at for more than two minutes straight,” he says. “It can be someone you know or someone you just think is soothing to look at, maybe someone who looks friendly. It doesn’t matter who it is. But you look at this person and you sing to them.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Kyungsoo remarks uncertainly.

“No, it works,” Baekhyun assures her. “It’s easier to sing something when you’re singing to someone. It’s like being in a conversation with another person. You’re talking to that person through song.” He starts playing the first few notes of the song, eyes still on Kyungsoo. “Practice on me.”

Kyungsoo makes eye contact with Baekhyun, his gaze serious on hers, and sings. It’s uncomfortable at first, looking at Baekhyun directly in the eye for such a long period of time. But, after a couple of stumbles when the implications of the lyrics settle in and how she is technically telling them to Baekhyun, she gets the hang of it; even if she imagines Baekhyun as someone else just to get through it without blushing. After a couple of runs, she manages to sing without her voice wavering from start to finish.

“See, that wasn’t so bad,” Baekhyun comments. He’s smiling at her like a proud dad and Kyungsoo has to smile back.

“Now it’s not so bad,” Kyungsoo says, picking up her music sheets and putting it into her bag. “I don’t know what it’s going to be like on Saturday.”

She can still see the crowd, can still remember the faces, and remembers how the stage was like beneath her feet felt. It was a shaky stage, the wooden panels having only been installed the day before, and it really didn’t help with her nerves.

Kyungsoo wonders what the stage is going to be like on Saturday.

“You’re going to be fine,” Baekhyun assures her as they walk out of the music room. “Now how about we do something to cheer you up?”

“I’m not sad,” Kyungsoo quips, raising an eyebrow.

“Well you’re definitely not bouncing off the walls,” Baekhyun shoots back, making a face at her.

“What do you suggest?” Kyungsoo gives in, letting out a sigh. It’s no use arguing with Baekhyun most of the time, even if she had kind of promised herself she wouldn’t go out with him, even if they were just friendly outings, after Chanyeol got mad at her. But Chanyeol isn’t here and she does need a pick-me-up.

“How about some ice cream?” Baekhyun wiggles his eyebrows up and down.

“You’re a cheap friend,” Kyungsoo tells him, but pulls him towards the school gates anyway. “I don’t know why I put up with you.”

“Because you like me,” Baekhyun teases.

Kyungsoo laughs. “You don’t know that yet.”

Kyungsoo isn’t ready. She’s standing backstage in her light yellow dress, hair falling on her shoulders in pretty waves, hands gripping the microphone tightly as her jelly shoes squeak with each nervous dance that she makes. No amount of practice can prepare her for what she’s about to do, something she thought she was done with. She’s not a singer.

“How are you doing?” Chanyeol asks.

“What are you doing here?” Kyungsoo squeaks in surprise. “Are you talking to me now?”

Chanyeol sighs, staring at his shoes before looking up to try to meet her gaze. “I came to wish you luck,” he says, shifting his stance uncomfortably. “I know you’re upset with me…”

“Chanyeol, you’re the one who stormed away,” she reminds him, gripping the microphone tighter. “You’re the one who wouldn’t answer my calls or wouldn’t even bother talking to me in class. I’m not the one who’s upset.” She leaves the microphone to her left hand to tuck her hair behind her ear, breathing deeply. “Anyway, I can’t do this right now,” she tells him. “I’m dying here.”

A laugh bursts out of Chanyeol’s mouth before he can stop himself. He covers his mouth and, while Kyungsoo really wants to stay annoyed at him, he’s her best friend and he went backstage to wish her luck even if things between them are shaky. So she walks into his arms and snuggles to his chest.

“You’re not dying,” Chanyeol declares gently. “You’re not going to die. It’s just one song and you’ll do well.” He tightens his hold on her and Kyungsoo knows that this is his way of apologizing for acting like an idiot.

“What if I don’t?” Kyungsoo asks nervously. She was told too before that she would do well, that she would shine and that people would love her song and her voice.

“You will,” Chanyeol reassures her.

Kyungsoo has also heard that before. They’re empty promises. No one knows what it was like for her to stand up there and offer herself for public scrutiny. No one even knew how to handle it back then. She knew she didn’t.

“Well I’ll have to go on either way,” Kyungsoo says, looking down at her dress and patting down at her skirt. She turns to Chanyeol and smiles at him as confidently as she could. “Thank you for being here.”

“Of course,” Chanyeol tells her, pulling her back for a second to give her another hug and a kiss on the forehead. “You know I would never miss anything of yours.”

Kyungsoo pushes at him because Chanyeol can be unnecessarily cheesy and walks to the foot of the stairs leading to the stage. However, Chanyeol being cheesy doesn’t change the fact that he has in fact always been present in anything that she’s done in her life, no matter how silly it was.

Taking a deep breath, she makes her way up the stage, focusing on the sound of the applause and making it calm her down. The sound washes over her as she finds her footing, the stage feeling much more stable than the last time, helping her relax a bit more.

Kyungsoo nods at Seohyun, who’s on the piano, and she begins playing. The melody starts and Kyungsoo closes her eyes to feel the song, the emotions of its message. When she opens them again, she sees three girls laughing as they watch her and her breath hitches, a lump forming in her throat.

Suddenly, it’s happening all over again. The stage is unstable, like it’s not going to hold her, like she’s going to fall and she’s always been afraid of falling, afraid of failing. All of a sudden, people are jeering again, laughing as she stumbles over line after line, her voice croaking all over the song. And what had started out so well ended up in shambles because her fear got the best of her.

There’s a cough to her left and Kyungsoo finds Seohyun looking at her in concern. She hasn’t even started singing, missing the beginning cues of the song. Looking away from her, Kyungsoo glances at the stairs on the side of the stage and wonders if it would be so bad if she could just make a run for it. This isn’t what she wanted anyway; this isn’t what she wants. She’s just here because Baekhyun asked her to. It was a favor for him and not for her.

The crowd is expectant, murmuring with curiosity and scoffing with disappointment at the lack of activity from her, when she looks back. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if Kyungsoo did walk away from this. This was a second try and she failed. Again. But at least she tried. No one could begrudge her that.

But just as she flinches towards the stairs, Kyungsoo sees movement at the corner of her eye. Baekhyun is standing there with his bright eyes and wide grin, waving his fingers at her like she isn’t messing up on stage.

That’s when she remembers.

Kyungsoo looks at Seohyun and nods at her, lifting the microphone to her lips. She finds Baekhyun’s eyes as she opens her mouth and sings.

Her voice wavers at the beginning, just like all those earlier practices, but as she keeps on looking at Baekhyun, whose gaze at her is equally intense and serious, her tone becomes steadier and her singing becomes more confident. Once, Kyungsoo even lifts her gaze from Baekhyun and glances at the crowd. But it’s quick because she scrambles to find the safety of Baekhyun’s warm dark eyes.

Baekhyun had told Kyungsoo to find a person in the crowd to sing to. She thinks she wouldn’t pick anyone else to do that except for Baekhyun. Baekhyun, who tells her in so many different ways, some more subtle than others, that she’s beautiful and that she can have anything she wants in life. Baekhyun, whose smile and laughter has become a constant in her life. Baekhyun, who shines the way he’s meant to and shares that shine with others. Kyungsoo wouldn’t want to sing to anyone else except to him. Because there is no one else who is like Baekhyun in her life.

The song may not be appropriate for someone their age, for the kind of friendship that they have, but Kyungsoo thinks it’s all the same in the end. Telling someone that you have feelings for him or her is hard, but telling them through a song makes it easier.

And what was going to be the longest four minutes of Kyungsoo’s life, turns out to be the four minutes she’s going to have a hard time forgetting.

Kyungsoo squeezes her eyes shut as she buries her face in Joonmyun’s neck. Joonmyun is hugging her so tightly that her ribs might possibly break, but she doesn’t mind because she’s happy. Kyungsoo did it. She sang in front of a crowd and sang quite well if the loud applause afterwards was anything to go by.

“I’m so proud of you,” Joonmyun gushes as she pulls away. “You did so well.”

Kyungsoo beams as Kris and Jongdae take their turns congratulating her with hugs. She’s happy and contented that they were all there, the people who have been there since the very beginning and the people she’d met because of the first time she attempted to sing in public. It’s all come to a full circle now.

Chanyeol nods in serious agreement, taking his turn to hug Kyungsoo when their other friends leave. “You were amazing and beautiful,” he tells her, kissing the crown of her head. “So beautiful.”

“Thank you for being here,” Kyungsoo earnestly says, pulling away and looking up at him. She never wanted to hurt Chanyeol and would never want to hurt him intentionally. She’s glad that he’s still around even if she never really gave him an answer, even if all she managed to do after his confession is gape at him.

The crowd is now quiet, having dispersed after the performer after her, which was the last performer, finished his acoustic performance. Chanyeol lets her go when he sees that she’s looking for someone. Kyungsoo wants to find Baekhyun and tell him how much his presence had helped her through that whole thing. If it wasn’t for him, she wouldn’t have done as well as she did.

“I’ll see you tonight?” Chanyeol asks as he turns to leave. There’s a small, almost imperceptible frown lurking in the corners of his lips that Kyungsoo wonders about. But she doesn’t say anything and just nods.

“7 o’clock,” she confirms. It has been a while since their regular movie marathons so Kyungsoo had suggested they have one that evening. She needs it, too, after all the stressful preparations she did for the talent show.

When Chanyeol is gone, Kyungsoo searches for Baekhyun and finds him on the edge of the football field, sitting on one of the many empty benches. She takes a seat, the wind blowing on her hair, which she brushes away from shielding her eyes. Baekhyun doesn’t say anything and just keeps sitting, staring off into the horizon.

Kyungsoo takes a contented breath and smiles to herself. It’s been a while since she’s felt like this, where she can say that she’s not worried about anything for once. Sure, she has her academics to think about, her review classes for pre-law, among other things, but Kyungsoo is happy. At this moment, she can truly say that she’s happy. Baekhyun has a very big part in that.

“I thought you weren’t going to come,” Kyungsoo breaks the silence with quiet laughter. She keeps her hands underneath her thighs, pushing her skirt along with it.

Baekhyun doesn’t speak for a while. Then he turns his head to look at her. “Why did you think I would miss something that’s so important to you?” he asks seriously.

“I don’t know,” Kyungsoo says, laughing to ease Baekhyun’s seriousness. “I didn’t see you before the show. Also, we didn’t talk about you coming to watch. No one would even watch if it wasn’t really a requirement.” She’s trying to downgrade the importance of Baekhyun being there because it almost seems like he didn’t really plan on going. “Thank you for being there. I don’t know what I would have done if you didn’t show up,” she admits, taking a deep breath and staring at her lap.

“You were really good,” Baekhyun comments.

“When I got the hang of it anyway,” Kyungsoo responds.

“When you got the hang of it,” he agrees, smiling a little. “But would you have known you could do it if you didn’t try?”

“You mean if you didn’t push me?” she teases, but shakes her head. She chuckles softly and stares at the trees on the other side of the field. It’s such a nice day to hang out like this. She can still hear the screams of the students on the other end of the field, where the bazaars and games were. But here, it’s quiet. She’s kind of glad because she wants to spend time with Baekhyun like this, like they’ve always done. “Probably not,” she pleads guilty. “I would never have done this otherwise.”

“Now you know that you can do it,” Baekhyun says. “Did you love it?”

Kyungsoo thinks about how she was so afraid that she wanted to run off the stage and throw up everything that was in her stomach. She thinks about the people watching her, her schoolmates, and the looks on their faces when she walked on stage. No one would have thought of her as a singer so it was probably a surprise for them when they realized that she joined the talent show. It was one of the most terrifying things that Kyungsoo thinks she’s ever had to do, putting herself in a position where she could have embarrassed herself and failed.

But then Kyungsoo remembers that rush, the flutter in her chest that she felt when she got into the groove of the song, remembers how her hand had tightened around the microphone as the audience started to sing along. It’s something she knows she won’t ever forget. Leading a crowd to sing with you was one of the most priceless things she’s ever experienced.

“Yes,” is her simple answer. But Baekhyun looks at her with a smile on his face, as if he’d just heard her internal monologue.

“One day you’re going to have to be the one to push yourself,” Baekhyun prompts him, smiling as he looks back to the empty expanse of field in front of them.

“What, you’re not going to be around to remind me, is that it?” Kyungsoo says teasingly. But she is curious. Baekhyun has mastered the art of traveling around the country and Kyungsoo knows this in the back of her head. It’s something that’s always nagged at her, but never really fully acknowledged.

Baekhyun’s laughter is soft and a bit dry. Kyungsoo takes a deep breath, freeing her hands from underneath her thighs and placing them on her lap.

“You have to keep pursuing what you love, Soo,” Baekhyun tells her earnestly, making Kyungsoo’s heart tremble in her chest.

“Everyone needs a cheerleader,” Kyungsoo responds with a half shrug. “But I know what you mean. I get it.”

“Do you?” Baekhyun looks at her. “Fear gets the best of us sometimes. Being afraid can make you lose sight of your dreams and let them go.”

Kyungsoo looks at Baekhyun, at the way he looks at her, and wonders. She wonders about having dreams, about having a lot of them, and going for every single one. Taking up pre-law and getting into law school flits through her mind, along with singing and music. And then there’s Baekhyun. Baekhyun, who has come into her life without a word of warning, bringing light into his life and making her so happy, she doesn’t really remember what it was like when he wasn’t around.

Baekhyun keeps telling Kyungsoo that she should follow her heart and what she really wants, and she’s done that. She had gotten up on stage and had sung through, albeit wobbly, through her fear. It has been incredibly rewarding so far and she doesn’t think that feeling is going to go away for a long time. Until maybe she does it again.

Baekhyun has been such a steady presence beside her. Ever since he’d arrived, something had changed in her. She’d become more adventurous and more spontaneous. It almost felt like she hasn’t really been living until she met Baekhyun. Kyungsoo has experienced more things and has seen more of New York in the time she’s met him. It hasn’t even been a year since then. There are dreams that are cultivated when you’re young, and then there are those that manifest out of nowhere. Kyungsoo thinks that it’s just fair to go for all sorts of dreams. It’s what Baekhyun keeps telling her anyway. She can go for everything that she wants.

Kyungsoo shifts in her seat, straightening her back and taking a deep breath. “It really meant a lot to me what you did, coming to the talent show to help me. It means a lot to me,” she rephrases, “that you’re around all the time, that you’re always there for me. I really wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s surprising, but really cool how we’ve gotten close in such a short time, but it’s almost like…” Baekhyun doesn’t move beside her, hands still on his lap. “It’s almost like we’ve known each other for a far longer time,” she says, laughing. “That’s cliché, isn’t it?”

“Just because it sounds like one, doesn’t mean it always is,” Baekhyun replies quietly.

It’s now or never. There will never be another time than this because her resolve is already wavering and if she doesn’t say anything now, she will never again. Because Baekhyun is like the sun that has suddenly decided to come into Kyungsoo’s life, lighting everything up, so hot and fiery, that Kyungsoo always feels like she’s burning with passion—with happiness, with a love for life. She worries her lower lip as she squeezes her eyes shut for a second. Then she’s reaching out to hold his hand.

“Baekhyun, I really l—“

Baekhyun moves his hand away and Kyungsoo’s own flinches back like she’s been stung. She swallows the surprise and hurt.

“Kyungsoo,” he speaks, his voice rough and monotonous. “I’m leaving before graduation and I can’t—“

“Of course,” Kyungsoo interrupts, panicked. She clasps her hands tightly together, her knuckles going white. “Of course,” she repeats, forcing out a chuckle.

It’s okay. This is okay. Kyungsoo and Baekhyun had never really talked about anything. Kyungsoo had assumed that maybe... Because Baekhyun was always taking her out, buying her ice cream when she was sad, taking her roller skating to teach her, bringing her to clubs and rock concerts to show her how it was to have fun. Because Baekhyun held her hand and brushed her hair away from her face and comforted her in a way that was too close for just friends. Because Baekhyun talked to her about dreams and encouraged her to go for hers like it mattered to him, like Kyungsoo mattered to him. But she’s wrong. She’s wrong but it’s okay. It’s okay.

“I should go,” Kyungsoo abruptly announces, standing up.

“Kyungsoo, wait.” Baekhyun looks startled. He stands up as well and makes to reach out to her, but Kyungsoo steps back away from his reach. “I didn’t—“

No more, Kyungsoo thinks. No more assuming.

“I’m just going to go and…” She scrambles for a lie to give in her head. “My mother asked me to call her after the show,” she stammers. “I just remembered that I’d forgotten to do that. I think she wants to remind me of my review classes for this evening, as well.” It’s okay to go after dreams, or maybe they’re whims, but she shouldn’t forget about the things that have already been in place right from the start.

“Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun starts again, but Kyungsoo shakes her head. “I’m sorry—“

“I understand, Baekhyun,” she tells him. There’s a small smile on her face that she hopes is assuring. She isn’t heartbroken. She isn’t. She has no reason to be. Baekhyun is her friend. They’re just friends, just like what she’s been telling Chanyeol the entire time. “Don’t worry about it.” She glances at her watch and smiles at him again. “I really should go,” she insists.

“Are we—“ Baekhyun cuts himself off. “I’ll see you on Monday?”

Kyungsoo smiles. So this really is it. She and Baekhyun go out almost every weekend. Looks like they’ll only be seeing each other in school now. “See you on Monday,” she agrees with a nod. She turns to leave, but then she looks at him again. Baekhyun looks at her, almost expectantly. “Good bye, Baekhyun,” she tells him, and then she’s on her way.

Kyungsoo doesn’t see Baekhyun on Monday. She doesn’t see him for the entire week. In fact, she barely sees him at all after that day, after that incident. Kyungsoo shouldn’t have done it. She should have let it go, should have kept it to herself, because she already knew what would happen. She’s never been rejected before, but she knows what it’s like to fail, knows what it’s like to wish she’d never done something at all. Kyungsoo wished it didn’t have to be this. She wishes it didn’t have to be Baekhyun.

But she accepts it. Baekhyun doesn’t show up during lunch or during breaks or even their group get togethers. Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything when Jongdae or Kris wonder where Baekhyun is and just shrugs when Joonmyun asks her. She doesn’t know where Baekhyun is, hasn’t known for a couple of weeks, and, as much as it bugs her, it really isn’t her business anymore.

“Hey Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo looks up from her homework and smiles when she sees Seohyun taking a seat across from her, Jongdae making space for the visitor.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo greets her back. “What’s up?” She closes her notebook and pays full attention to her because she hasn’t talked to Seohyun since the talent show. Seohyun hands her a piece of paper that turns out to be a flyer when Kyungsoo gets a good look at it. Chanyeol, who’s sitting beside her, peers at it curiously.

“I’m sure you’ve heard about the musical that the drama club is putting up for the end of the year,” Seohyun starts, making Joonmyun perk up in excitement. Kyungsoo keeps her eyes on Seohyun, already know where this is heading. “We’ve been auditioning for the female lead for two weeks now but Mrs. Kim still wants to have other people come in to try for it,” she continues. “I thought of you, of course, but hadn’t really had the chance to ask until Mrs. Kim herself wondered if you would.”

Kyungsoo frowns because she may have sung in public once, but that doesn’t mean she’s up for doing it again. No matter how much she enjoyed it, it wasn’t—it isn’t—that easy. Also, she’s busy—busier than she has been since then with her review teachers stepping it up with their lessons, on top of her regular classes, that she doesn’t think she can do it.

She hasn’t even though about singing, much less performing, since that day. It almost felt pointless in the end that she had done it, because it was just one time, and singing in public once doesn’t really matter. Kyungsoo is still going to law school anyway. Why would she even pursue singing? It won’t matter in the bigger scheme of things. It doesn’t matter. At the very least she’d experienced it, that’s what Kyungsoo tells herself.

“I don’t know, Seohyun,” Kyungsoo starts, taking her planner out and opening it to look at her schedule for the week. “I have a lot going on right now and I really don’t know when I’ll be able to audition for a musical so that should be an indication that I won’t have time to rehearse for it as well.” She closes her planner and gives her an apologetic look. “I appreciate you asking, though,” she says. “I mean, I don’t know why you or Mrs. Kim would even think of me, but I am flattered.”

Seohyun just gives her a long look before smiling and shrugging. “I wanted to ask anyway,” she says, standing up. She pushes the flyer back to Kyungsoo when she hands it to her. “Keep it,” she says before smiling again and leaving.

The table is quiet at Seohyun’s departure. Kyungsoo folds the flyer in half and sticks it in between the pages of her planner, which she returns into her bag. No one says or does anything for a while, almost like they’re waiting for Kyungsoo to speak and explain what just happened. But Kyungsoo doesn’t need to explain herself. There is nothing to explain. They all know what she’s up against. They all know the things she should be doing. It’s all she’s talked about the entire year, which is critical, because next year she’s going to be taking entrance exams that she needs to ace because they will determine her future. Kyungsoo needs to be prepared for that.

After a while, Chanyeol goes back to doing his own homework, while Kris and Jongdae get into some conversation about basketball. Joonmyun is the only one who remains looking at Kyungsoo, like she’s bursting to say something. Kyungsoo ignores it for a long time because acknowledging it would be like opening a dam of questions that Kyungsoo doesn’t want to answer because she’s answered them before.

But then Joonmyun doesn’t relent even when Kyungsoo’s already finished her math homework and was moving on to the next thing on her list. She closes her English book and sighs, finally meeting Joonmyun’s eyes.

“What is it, Joonmyun?” Kyungsoo asks regrettably.

“Why don’t you want to audition?” Joonmyun pounces on her, leaning forward on the table, her hands clasped together in anticipation. Chanyeol doesn’t move, but Kyungsoo know he’s listening by the way he’s stopped playing with his pen. “It was clear with what Seohyun said about Mrs. Kim wanting you to audition that you had a big chance of getting the part. Why would you say no?”

“Because,” Kyungsoo sighs as she answers, “I really don’t have time for it. I wasn’t lying, you know. My review teachers are ruthless at giving homework. That, and I also have to pass junior year.”

“You’re at the top of your classes,” Jongdae reminds her. She looks at him and wonders when he became a part of the conversation. “I don’t think you’d have any problems passing. Plus your review classes only happen twice a week. I’m sure if you—“

“I am not auditioning,” Kyungsoo cuts him off sharply. “It’s not a part of my plans.”

“Soo, you already sang at the talent show,” Joonmyun persists. “You know that you can do it. You know that you love it. Your classes or even your review ones aren’t an excuse, and you know it. What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Kyungsoo insists. She doesn’t know when this conversation suddenly became a venue for her to defend herself. Can’t she just say no and everyone would let it go? Why does everything she does have to be explained now? She’s always been like this before and people never questioned it.

“If Baekhyun asked you to do it, would you do it?” Kris asks, speaking up for the first time. Joonmyun slaps his arm, while Chanyeol stills even more beside Kyungsoo, who recoils before she can stop herself.

“No,” Kyungsoo deliberately answers, ignoring the questioning looks on their faces at her reaction. She starts packing up her things and putting them inside her bag.

“Kyungsoo,” Joonmyun starts and Kyungsoo can hear the concern bleeding through her tone.

Something snaps inside of Kyungsoo. “No,” she repeats. “I wouldn’t do it even if Baekhyun asked me, which he wouldn’t do, because this is my life and I make decisions for it. And the auditions? It won’t help for my future because I am going to be a lawyer. Baekhyun doesn’t have a say in that because he won’t be around to see it anyway because he’s—“

“Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol cuts through her rant. He’s squeezing her hand.

Kyungsoo looks around and realizes, from the expressions on her friends’ faces, what she’s done. She’s never blown up like that before. She’s calm and collected because there was never any reason for her not to be because she’s planned everything out, all the things she’s supposed to be doing so that there aren’t any surprises, so that she knows everything that’s going to happen.

Then Baekhyun happened. Baekhyun had waltzed in and made her forget about everything that she’s learned and has been doing for all her life. He made her forget about focusing too much on the future, stopped her from being too uptight and too systematic and forced her to stop being afraid. Baekhyun let her see that the present is just as exciting as the future, showed her that spontaneity is fun, too, and that there was no reason to be afraid. Baekhyun even made Kyungsoo believe that it was okay to fall in love and to be brave enough to admit it. Look where that took her? Kyungsoo should have stuck to what she knew, to what she’s always known. There’s a reason why planning and organization worked, because it’s always effective.

Baekhyun hurt Kyungsoo. He made her believe that anything was possible. He made her do things she wouldn’t normally do and he made her hope for the best. Then he took it away from her. He arrives and brandishes hope in front of her face but takes it away when Kyungsoo is ready to take it. Kyungsoo can’t accept that. She hates herself more than anything because she fell for it. Now her heart is broken when it was doing just fine in the beginning. It was perfect back then, but that is better than the way it hurts right now.

“Sorry,” Kyungsoo mutters, standing up before anyone can say anything. “I didn’t mean to—I’ll go. Sorry.”

Kyungsoo runs. She runs away from the quad and finds an empty classroom. She told herself that she wouldn’t cry, told herself that it’s not worth it to. Baekhyun is just a boy and boys aren’t important. He isn’t important to Kyungsoo’s life and to her future and so he’s not worth her tears.

But Kyungsoo can’t hold it in anymore. She drops her bag to the floor and stands in the middle of the empty classroom, holding her hands to her eyes, surrounded by vacant chairs. The tears stream down her cheeks and she hates it. She hates herself. Kyungsoo isn’t supposed to cry. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

“Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol says as he wraps his arms around Kyungsoo. She didn’t even hear him come in but she isn’t really surprised that Chanyeol went after her. He wouldn’t let her run off like that and wouldn’t leave her to herself. “Shh,” he whispers she sobs harder. “It’s okay. I’m here for you.”

Kyungsoo turns around in Chanyeol’s arms and buries her face in his chest. Chanyeol is so warm and so steady, consistently a source of comfort. Fresh tears appear in her eyes as she wonders why couldn’t it have been Chanyeol instead. Why did she have to take the risk with someone who didn’t return her affections? It’s an unfair thought, especially since Chanyeol has feelings for her that she can’t return, but Kyungsoo really wished she had fallen for Chanyeol instead so she wouldn’t hurt like this.

Kyungsoo is leaving class, her attention focused on her planner. She’s supposed to have a review class after school at home tomorrow, but then she’d set a meeting with the guidance counselor to discuss her university prospects. She should probably just call the tutor to reschedule.

“You’re going to hurt yourself by not looking where you’re going.”

Kyungsoo jumps and almost hits someone who’s going the other way if Kris hadn’t grabbed her and prevented her from doing so.

“Thanks,” Kyungsoo mumbles. She puts her planner inside her bag and frowns at him. “What are you doing here?”

Kris just shrugs, shoving his hands into his pockets. Or he tries to anyway, because Kris’s hands are just too large and his jeans too tight. He settles for hooking his thumbs on his belt loops instead. “Where are you off to? Do you have a review class today?”

“No,” Kyungsoo says. “I’m going home. Why?” She looks at Kris suspiciously because Kris has never waited for her outside her class before. “Where’s Joonmyun?”

“She has this student council meeting,” Kris says, waving dismissively. It’s really interesting to Kyungsoo how Kris is so accepting of Joonmyun’s busy schedule. She knows that there are times when their plans get cancelled because Joonmyun’s meetings keep popping up out of nowhere. “Anyway, just thought you’d want some company walking home.”

Kyungsoo supposes that it makes sense for her and Kris to walk home together, especially since Chanyeol has band practice, while she’s not sure where Jongdae is. He’s probably with Liyin. “Sure,” she slowly agrees. “Aren’t you going to wait for Joonmyun, though? Don’t you have basketball practice or something?”

Kris just shrugs. “Practice was cancelled,” is all he says.

They walk in silence for the better part of their trip home. Kyungsoo is lost in her own head because she’d gotten a glimpse of Baekhyun earlier in the day, the first time that she’s really seen him in a while. In her classes, Kyungsoo now makes it a point of sitting in front because she wants to understand the lesson better. It’s definitely not because she doesn’t want to look or acknowledge Baekhyun. (Whenever she does look at him, at the end of classes, Baekhyun is almost always gone anyway.) Baekhyun was wearing a red backwards cap that clashed with the blazer he was wearing, but Kyungsoo thought Baekhyun looked good anyway. He was humming some song under his breath as he passed by, backpack slung over one shoulder, smiling whenever someone said hi to him. It was almost like Baekhyun was okay. He looked better than Kyungsoo did anyway.

“Listen,” Kris’s deep voice startles Kyungsoo out of her thoughts. He looks apologetic for a second before continuing. “How are you doing?”

“What?” Kyungsoo blinks up at him.

“I’m just asking how you are,” Kris repeats awkwardly. He shifts his bag on his shoulder. “You know, after…” He coughs, looking like he’s in pain by asking Kyungsoo if she’s okay. It’s kind of endearing.

“I’m fine,” Kyungsoo answers. And it’s true. She is fine. “Why?”

After Kyungsoo had cried on Chanyeol rather embarrassingly, Kyungsoo never spoke of it again. Even when Chanyeol had tried to, even when Joonmyun and Jongdae did as well. Kyungsoo rebuffed all of their attempts. She doesn’t want to talk to anyone about her feelings. They are misplaced feelings, anyway. It’s not worth talking about them. So even when it hurts, even when she’s still hurting, she keeps them to herself. No one should know how stupid she is for putting herself out there and getting rejected in return.

“I know,” Kris starts, clearing his throat. “I know that you’d rather talk to Joonmyun or even Jongdae rather than me, but… but if you need it, I’m here.”

Kyungsoo stares at Kris. She actually stops walking to stare at him. It’s true what Kris said. Kyungsoo would rather talk to Jongdae than Kris because she and Jongdae are actual friends that exchange stories with each other. Kris is almost like an acquaintance, which he could be if he isn’t Joonmyun’s boyfriend. Kris doesn’t really talk much and Kyungsoo never really knows what to say to him.

“Oh, um, thanks,” Kyungsoo replies, equally as awkward. But she appreciates the thought. It’s nice to know that even if they aren’t that close, Kris is someone she can depends on.

They continue walking in silence. Kyungsoo’s mind goes back to Baekhyun. She really misses him as much as she hates that she does. It’s weird not having Baekhyun picking her up so that he could take her to some random place in the city or not have him beside her, telling her go and pursue singing or something else. If Baekhyun were around, he would probably be telling her to go and audition for the musical. He would tell her that she should keep on doing something about her dreams, especially the ones that make her feel afraid because they would be the most worth it in the end.

For a second, Kyungsoo considers it. What if she does audition for the musical? She isn’t even sure if they’re still accepting auditions, but what if she just shows up and sings for Mrs. Kim? But then Kyungsoo’s hands get clammy as she remembers what it felt like when she fumbled in front of the audience. This time Baekhyun won’t be around to help her through it. It sounds like an excuse and she hates how dependent it makes her to Baekhyun and so she shuts the idea down.

“You know,” Kris speaks up again, making Kyungsoo jump. “Break ups may hurt, but they’re not the end of the world.” Kyungsoo’s mouth opens in surprise but she closes it and tries to sort out the pain, confusion and irritation because of his words. “I don’t know what happened. Just because someone left, doesn’t mean that it’s the end.”

“We didn’t break up,” Kyungsoo says, trying hard not to roll her eyes. “And even if we did, what makes you think he broke up with me?”

“I… don’t,” Kris says. “Not really. But you were crying…”

“I could cry too even if I broke up with him,” Kyungsoo says. “I would imagine that it’s just hard for the dumper.”

“Oh,” Kris mutters, nodding in agreement. “Right.”

“Even so,” Kyungsoo says, suddenly finding the whole thing amusing. Kris is cute and funny like this. She’ll have to make sure to tell Joonmyun. When the whole thing with Baekhyun blows over, of course. Because knowing Joonmyun, she would totally miss the point and just ask her questions about Baekhyun. “Baekhyun and I didn’t break up. We weren’t even a couple. We were just friends—are—were—“ She frowns when she realizes she doesn’t even know if they are still friends. “We weren’t a couple,” she repeats instead.

“You sure acted like it,” Kris says, shrugging. “I mean, with the way you guys acted when you were together, the way you looked at him and the way he looked at you, anyone would think that you two were—“

“Stop,” Kyungsoo interjects, irritated. “That’s not true. Whatever you think you saw, it’s not what you or what everyone thought it was. You guys were seeing things. They’re not real.”

“Kyungsoo,” Kris says. “I didn’t mean—“

“I know you didn’t,” Kyungsoo interrupts him again. “And I appreciate your concern, but please just leave me alone. Nothing happened between Baekhyun and me. I wasn’t lying—I never lied when I said that we were just friends because that’s really all we are and it’s all we’re going to be so everyone should just drop it.”

She’s breathing rather heavily at the end of her outburst and she takes a step back in surprise at the consciousness. Kris is looking at her with surprise. She should really learn to keep her feelings in check. They’ve been all over the place ever since Baekhyun… ever since. Taking another step back, she gives him an apologetic look.

“Sorry,” she mutters. “But I think, I can walk the rest of the way home.”

Kris doesn’t say anything and Kyungsoo is glad that he doesn’t because she’s so close to tears that she half runs the rest of the way back to her house.

“I can’t believe you snapped at Kris,” Chanyeol whispers when Kyungsoo’s and Chanyeol’s parents are preoccupied with their discussion about a benefit that they’d recently attended.

“He was prying,” Kyungsoo honestly states, cutting up the chicken on her plate. “Anyway, I apologized.”

“He was moping about it,” Chanyeol tells her. “Moping, Kyungsoo. You made Kris mope. You don’t know what it was like. It was almost funny.”

“I bet you laughed anyway,” Kyungsoo says and she rolls her eyes when Chanyeol giggles.

“You should have seen Jongdae,” he continues. “He was practically rolling on the floor. Not even Joonmyun getting upset stopped him.”

“Well,” she says. “I said I was sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at him. I was just really… Anyway, that’s over now.”

“You do know he was just trying to help, right?” Chanyeol wants to confirm. “I mean, I know you guys don’t really talk as much, but he does get worried about you.”

Kyungsoo sighs and nods. “I know,” she responds before taking a bite of her food. “He told me, and I was really touched, except I don’t know where he got the idea that Baekhyun and I were dating.” She looks at Chanyeol, whose mouth is full. “You do know that I was telling the truth, right, when I said that Baekhyun and I were just friends?”

“Well,” Chanyeol carefully replies after he’s swallowed everything in his mouth. He puts his utensils down and drinks water. “No offense, Soo. But…” He hesitates. “You two were attached to the hip all the time and when Baekhyun suddenly ignored all of us, when you two suddenly stopped talking, you were, and still are, by the way, really miserable. You were crying like, like you two had just broken up.”

Kyungsoo puts her own fork and knife down and leans back on her seat. “We didn’t, though,” she insists. “Break up, I mean. Because we weren’t a couple. You can’t break up if you’re not a couple. Besides, I would never do that to you.”

Chanyeol’s hand freezes half way as he’s about to put a piece of chicken in his mouth. He puts it down to look at her questioningly. “What are you talking about?” he asks.

“I wouldn’t lie to you about that,” Kyungsoo tells him earnestly. “I would tell you that we were dating if we actually were. I also wouldn’t hurt you like that.”

Chanyeol keeps looking at her for quiet some time until he frowns even further. “Kyungsoo, did you… were you worried about my feelings?” he asks, sounding almost outraged. Kyungsoo fidgets in her seat, playing with her hands on her lap. “Is that why…? Kyungsoo, please tell me you didn’t hold yourself back on my account.”

“I didn’t—it’s not like that,” Kyungsoo stammers as she tries to explain, glancing furtively at their parents. Luckily, they’re still engrossed in their discussion.

“It better be not like that,” Chanyeol states so seriously that Kyungsoo pouts. “Kyungsoo?”

“It wasn’t because—I just didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want you to think that I was stepping on your feelings by—“ She cuts herself off and shakes her head. She picks her utensils up in an attempt to continue eating but all she does is move the food around on her plate. “The point is, Baekhyun and I never became a couple,” she reiterates. “And it’s not because of you, trust me on that.”

Chanyeol opens his mouth to say something, but Kyungsoo’s mother chooses that moment to pause and look at them. “What are you two whispering about?” she asks them curiously.

“Oh,” Kyungsoo starts.

“We were just talking about Kyungsoo’s audition tomorrow,” Chanyeol smoothly swoops in. Kyungsoo stiffens in her seat.

“What audition?” Kyungsoo’s father asks.

“Its noth—“ Kyungsoo tries to change the subject in panic. She doesn’t think her parents would be pleased to find out that their daughter, who is in line to be come a lawyer, is dabbling in musicals and music, which is so far from the study of the law.

“For the school musical,” Chanyeol maintains, grinning even when Kyungsoo buries her fingernails into his wrist.

“A musical?” Kyungsoo’s mom repeats, very much surprised. She looks at Kyungsoo, whom Chanyeol nudges. Kyungsoo smiles sweetly and nods, deciding that she’s going to punch Chanyeol after dinner. “I didn’t know that you were interested in musicals, darling.”

“You must sing really well then,” Chanyeol’s mother then comments. “I know musical theatre actresses have to be powerful singers.”

“That’s right,” Chanyeol agrees. “And she is. She’s auditioning tomorrow and she has a really big chance of getting the part.” He puts an arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulders. “Aren’t you excited, Soo?”

“Very,” Kyungsoo agrees through gritted teeth. She knows that Chanyeol is upset with her but that is no reason for him to throw her under the bus and force to do something she’s been very clear about not wanting to do.

Chanyeol’s and Kyungsoo’s parents exchange surprised but pleased glances that leave Kyungsoo confused. Her mother and father, in particular, look excited about the news.

“I look forward to hearing good news then,” Kyungsoo’s father declares. “I would love to see my daughter singing on stage.”

Kyungsoo is so surprised that she inhales rice when she should swallow first. Chanyeol thumps her back as her mother hands her a glass of water. When her breathing goes back to normal, the surprise still doesn’t go away.

“See?” Chanyeol whispers in her ear when their parents go back to talking amongst themselves. Kyungsoo doesn’t hesitate to pinch his thigh using her nails, making him yell in pain.

Kyungsoo gets the part. Even when she’d fumbled during the audition, her voice wavering and forgetting the lyrics, Mrs. Kim still claps her hands and tells her almost immediately that she’s going to be the lead. It truly baffles Kyungsoo because she knows that both Im Yoona and Lee Soonkyu auditioned, and everyone knows that they’re the actresses of the school. Kyungsoo hasn’t even been really involved in the drama scene, having only watched one play the whole time she’s been in high school. Surprise aside, she’s also happy in a way that she got the role, because when her parents asked, which she knew they would because they wished her luck before she left for school on the day of the auditioned, she had some good news for them.

She ties her hair, which had grown longer in the past few months, into a ponytail to keep it away from her face before dance rehearsal starts again. Kyungsoo walks to the mirror and wipes her sweat off her forehead. When she found out that there was going to be dancing, on top of singing, she almost wanted to back out. She couldn’t even sing steadily not moving, how would she manage it while dancing? But Victoria, a senior, who is their director and choreographer, assured her that the dancing would be simple enough and wouldn’t be a problem with the singing. Simple enough obviously meant different for both of them because Kyungsoo always comes home after rehearsal deadbeat tired.

It’s only been a couple of weeks of rehearsals, but slowly Kyungsoo had grown to really enjoy it. She still gets terrified every time she’s comes to rehearsal because she knows she’s going to be asked to sing and dance, which of course is to be expected because it is a musical. But the fear gets reduced every time she comes to practice. Maybe it’s because she keeps on doing it repeatedly or maybe because Ryeowook, her co-star, is always encouraging, or maybe because of Mrs. Kim’s faith in her. One thing that she realizes is that, each time that they rehearse or every time that she does something connected to the musical, like run lines or memorize anything about it, she finds that she loves it more and more.

Her favorite song to sing is the reprise of Look At Me, I’m Sandra Dee because it’s emotional, but not overly so. Also, maybe because it speaks to her on so many levels. Summer Nights, though is the most fun song to rehearse just because everyone gets really into it. That, and because Ryeowook is so good in it. Every song is just so fun to perform and she finds that every scene that she gets to perform just makes her love the musical more and more. It really helps that the cast is really encouraging and helpful. Ryeowook is always giving her advice and even Yoona and Soonkyu, who both got roles in the play, take their time to mentor her as well. Kyungsoo feels very blessed, and happy.

“Hey, look who it is,” Jongdae announces, plopping down beside her ceremoniously. Joonmyun and Kris follow suit across from them.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo says, chuckling when Jongdae wraps his arms around her in a hug.

“We never see you around anymore,” Jongdae complains, pouting. “You’re always busy doing something. Maybe it was a bad idea for you to join the play. It’s taking all your time away from us.”

“Like you’ve been around,” Joonmyun is quick to say, rolling her eyes. “You’ve been attached to Liyin, in case you haven’t noticed.”

“Oh that’s right,” Jongdae confirms with a cat-like grin. “I have been, haven’t I?”

Joonmyun makes a face at him and then smiles at Kyungsoo, who is laughing in amusement. “How are rehearsals going?” she asks eagerly. Despite being part of the drama club, Joonmyun had decided to forgo being a part of the actual musical rehearsals to make time for her college applications, even though she already knows which school she is going to attend.

“They’re fun,” Kyungsoo tells her and laughs when Joonmyun gushes.

“I’m so amazed that you’re actually doing it, “ Jongdae comments. “I mean, we were this close to getting Baekhyun to talk you into it—OW!” He bends down to massage his toe through his shoes. “I was just saying!” he hisses at Joonmyun, turning his attention back to his toe.

“Yes, well, Chanyeol, whom I’m still pissed at,” Kyungsoo, ignoring Jongdae’s comment, states, “managed to get me to audition. Where is he anyway?”

Chanyeol had apologized again and again after the dinner when he saw how mad Kyungsoo had gotten. He apologized several times before the audition and after it. She’s forgiven him the moment her parents looked like they didn’t mind, which she still wonders about to be honest. But she couldn’t let Chanyeol get away with it, either. She just didn’t like that he practically forced her to do something she’s been clear about saying no to in the beginning. Right now, though, Kyungsoo is kind of glad Chanyeol did it that way. Because she really wouldn’t have auditioned otherwise.

“He’s coming,” Jongdae answers, glaring at Joonmyun, who just gives him a smile in return. “Just had to discuss something with the teacher.” He nudges Kyungsoo apologetically. Kyungsoo rolls her eyes at him.

It would be a lie if Kyungsoo said that she hasn’t thought about Baekhyun at all. She thinks about him more than she should, but she supposes that can’t be helped. She sees him in classes, around campus, sometimes in the cafeteria and even in the library. Baekhyun is alone most of the time and Kyungsoo always gets the urge to approach him and talk to him. But she doesn’t. Because that would just makes things harder on herself. She doesn’t hate him, though. She’s hurt and sad because of what happened that cost their friendship, but she doesn’t hate him. Maybe if she did, then she could cash in on that kiss. Then again, that would just probably make things worse.

Chanyeol arrives shortly after, making sure to kiss Kyungsoo on the head, more to tease her than anything. Kyungsoo knows that this is Chanyeol taking advantage of the knowledge that Kyungsoo can’t really stay mad at him for a long time.

“Are you going to rehearsal?” Chanyeol asks her with a grin.

“In a while,” Kyungsoo says. “What did you do?”

“I was just consulting with the guidance counselor,” Chanyeol shares, getting their other friends’ attention as well. “I found out that Yale has a summer art program and I asked if it would help my acceptance if I took a part in it. She said it could and gave me application forms and everything.” He holds up the brown envelope containing the forms.

Kyungsoo smiles at Chanyeol’s excitement. He’s always been so excited about art and music and she had wondered what he would decide to take up for college, but it seems like he’s already made up his mind. Chanyeol has always loved drawing and painting, even before he discovered music and composing songs with a guitar, which, when he did, he focused on non-stop. There was a time Kyungsoo thought that Chanyeol had forgotten about art but then he always went back to it somehow. It’s interesting how some dreams never really go away. Just like Kyungsoo’s love for singing.

Admittedly, she fought with herself about not wanting to sing anymore for the longest time. Just because of a distressing incident that made her fear grow into something that practically overpowered her love for it, which it did for a long time, that it almost killed it. Kyungsoo never let anyone talk to her about singing. Not until Baekhyun came along anyway. His persistence and passion drove her to see that she’s loved singing all this time, that, all along, singing was still something she wants to do just like all those years ago.

“That’s great! So you’re going to be in Yale for the summer,” Kyungsoo says, smiling a little when Chanyeol realizes with a pout that he’s going to be away. Chuckling, she adds, “You’ll do so well.”

Chanyeol looks pleased. “I hear that you’re doing well in rehearsals,” he says, somewhat cautiously because he knows that it’s still a sensitive topic for her still.

Kyungsoo shrugs. “I’m glad that’s what you’re hearing,” she says, smiling a little. “Because it would be sad if I was doing badly at something I loved.”

Chanyeol grins at her, wrapping an arm around her and pressing a kiss to her forehead. “I’m so proud of you,” he says. “I can’t wait to watch.”

Kyungsoo smiles. She does love being in the musical. It took her a while to really admit it but she’s happy that she’s a part of the production. Now, Kyungsoo thinks that musical theatre is something she might want to do again in the future. It’s funny how some dreams give birth to new ones. There are moments when Kyungsoo imagines herself as a big star on Broadway. Maybe someday. Why not?

For the longest time, Kyungsoo had been someone who felt like everything in her life had been planned out for her. She figured that law was the obvious choice for her degree when she entered college, therefore all her actions had been geared towards that goal; study hard, get good grades, get into a school with a good pre-law course, get into Harvard Law, graduate with flying colors and get into a successful law firm. It was easy because Kyungsoo had her life mapped out. She has imagined herself walking through the Harvard campus since she was in third grade. She never even thought for a second that she had options, that she could have options.

This year has certainly opened her up and broadened her horizons. It didn’t occur to her that she had tunnel vision for becoming a lawyer. She didn’t realize that she was so focused, too focused, on that specific plan for her life that she had begun ignoring other things. To her credit, Kyungsoo isn’t really interested in much else. But she would never have even so much as thought about singing again if she hadn’t met Baekhyun. Baekhyun had showed her that there are bigger things in this world, that becoming a lawyer shouldn’t be the main focus of her life, that everything she does doesn’t have to be geared towards it, that she’s 17 years old and that she should be living like a 17-year old should, having fun, going to parties, taking risks and falling in love.

Kyungsoo is pretty sure that Baekhyun didn’t teach her that last one. He didn’t intend to anyway, or if he did, he probably didn’t mean for Kyungsoo fall in love with him. But it happened and Kyungsoo thinks she wouldn’t have it any other way. Falling in love with Baekhyun and wanting to be more than friends with him, is kind of like having another dream. And like all dreams, sometimes they never really happen unless you do something about it. Kyungsoo has done something about it and, while Kyungsoo had originally thought that she had failed because she was rejected, that wasn’t really it at all. The important thing is Kyungsoo had done something about it. If there’s one thing she’s learned in all of what’s happened, it’s that she should always do something about what she wants and go for it. Try your best, do you best, until you succeed.

Being friends with Baekhyun and hanging out with him has taught Kyungsoo that she should never be afraid of anything, especially of her dreams, that she should go for them and try them because trying new things is always fun, and that she should do whatever it takes to grow and nurture her dreams. If not for anything else, Kyungsoo has to be grateful for that.

Kyungsoo sighs. She misses Baekhyun.

“Are you okay?” Chanyeol asks, looking at her with concern.

“Fine,” Kyungsoo assures him with a smile. “I’m fine.”

Just because she doesn’t really have Baekhyun in her life anymore, doesn’t mean she can’t be happy.

Kyungsoo’s heart is beating so fast in her chest. There’s a wide smile on her face, a really happy one, which is also a smile of disbelief and awe, awe that the audience is on their feet, awe that she finally did it, awe that this is actually happening.

The red curtains close and almost immediately she’s smothered into a big group hug. There are arms around her neck, around her waist, around her hips and even if she can barely breathe, she can’t help but laugh and just be ecstatic. It was amazing how she hadn’t made a mistake during the performance, how her voice hadn’t wavered, except for the very first song that she had to sing, how she managed to dance and sing at the same time. Victoria had beamed at her from the sidelines and Kyungsoo is glad to have made her proud.

“Congratulations, Soo!” Joonmyun screams as soon as she finds Kyungsoo backstage.

“You were so amazing!” Chanyeol tells her as he wraps his arms around her and twirls her around. “So amazing,” he repeats when he puts her down and kisses the crown of her head.

“I didn’t actually think you could pull it off so, “Jongdae says, patting her shoulder, “my congratulations are very sincere.”

“Shut up,” Kyungsoo snaps teasingly and Jongdae laughs and hugs her. Kris congratulates her too even if he looks like he slept the whole time.

It is a remarkable feeling. Kyungsoo feels like she’s just saved the world or something and now feels invincible, like she can do whatever she wants and no one can stop her. She feels so whole and so full and she just wants to jump up and down because she’s just so incredibly happy.

“Kyungsoo,” her mother greets her with a kiss on he cheek and a bright smile on her face. “You were wonderful, really wonderful.”

“I’d almost forgotten the fact that you sing so well,” her father adds with a grin. “It must have been years since I last heard you sing.”

“I love it, dad,” Kyungsoo tells him, looking at her mother as well, and her father kisses her nose.

“If I had known you wanted to sing, we would have put you in voice lessons,” her father states to Kyungsoo’s surprise. “As it stands, it doesn’t seem like you need one. But if this is something you want to pursue, you will always have our support.”

Kyungsoo blinks up at them, teary-eyed. She didn’t realize… she never thought… She laughs and lunges at her dad to hug him. He laughs and hugs Kyungsoo back, while her mother runs her fingers through Kyungsoo’s hair comfortingly. Kyungsoo has the best parents in the world.

There are so many people to talk to. So many people congratulate her; telling Kyungsoo that she performed wonderfully and making her feel even giddier than she already is. It’s hard to believe that the thing that she’s been working for hard for months is now done and is successful. Kyungsoo has always had her doubts, constantly unsure whether she could do this and whether she could pull it off without her fear getting the best of her. She’s glad to know that she could, and that she did.

“Congratulations.”

Kyungsoo turns around, her long skirt flying up a bit at the twirl. Baekhyun is holding a daisy out to her. It takes Kyungsoo a moment to recover that Baekhyun is standing in front of her, that he watched the play, and that he’s giving her a flower.

“Hi,” she greets him, taking the flower.

“You look happy,” Baekhyun says, smiling that smile that Kyungsoo has grown fond of, the one that makes her heart flutter because it’s soft and is different from his normally big smiles.

“I think I have a right to be, don’t you think?” Kyungsoo says, grinning, and he laughs.

“That you do,” Baekhyun agrees. “I’m very proud of you. You sounded really good all throughout and your voice matched really well with Ryeowook’s. Your dancing wasn’t bad, too.”

Kyungsoo laughs. “I’ve been hoping that all those rehearsals had been worth it,” she says.

“Looks like they were,” Baekhyun tells her.

“They were,” Kyungsoo says. Her breath keeps catching in her throat because every time she meets Baekhyun’s eyes, she can’t believe that he is actually standing in front of her, that he’s talking to her. It feels like it’s been so long since they’ve said two words to each other and now they’re having an actual conversation. “How—how have you been?”

“I’ve been good,” Baekhyun shares. “Just been going to classes. You didn’t miss much.” He’s smirking and Kyungsoo just rolls her eyes because she knows what he’s implying. Even after all this time, Baekhyun hasn’t changed.

“You’re insufferable,” she remarks, shaking her head.

“Listen,” he starts after he’s done laughing. “I got into early admission. I’m leaving early.”

“Oh,” Kyungsoo says. So that’s what he meant when he said he was leaving before graduation. “Congratulations,” she sincerely says, smiling. There is no reason for her to be sad about this. He hasn’t been in her life for a while now. It doesn’t make sense for her heart to still hurt just because he is actually moving away. “So you’re not attending graduation?”

Baekhyun shakes his head. “I explained the circumstances and since senior classes end earlier, they let me go,” he explains. “Why waste an opportunity, right?”

“Right,” Kyungsoo agrees. It’s weird but it really feels like is suddenly deflating when it felt so full just minutes ago.

“I’ll see you around?” Baekhyun asks, his tone hopeful that Kyungsoo doesn’t understand.

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo says because what else could she say? Even though she’s pretty sure they won’t see each other again.

Kyungsoo is surprised when Baekhyun takes a step forward and pulls her into an embrace. The first time Baekhyun had wrapped an arm around her, during that time they went roller-skating, Baekhyun had told her that he wasn’t going to let her fall. Now Kyungsoo wonders what he really meant by that because Kyungsoo certainly has fallen and she wants to know whether Baekhyun meant not letting her fall for him or whether he meant that he was going to catch her. Either way, it seems like it’s a promise that he can’t keep.

“I’ll see you soon,” Baekhyun whispers through her hair and Kyungsoo shuts her eyes to savor the moment before she pulls away.

“Take care of yourself,” Kyungsoo sincerely wishes him. She doesn’t say she’ll see him soon because it’s going to be more than soon before they see each other again. She’ll have to resign herself to the fact that this is it.

“Take care of the daisy, yeah?” Baekhyun tells her before he turns around and disappears into the crowd.

Kyungsoo frowns and turns her attention to the flower in her hand. It looks like an ordinary daisy, she thinks, as she turns the stem in between her fingers. But when she smells the flower, that’s when she gets it. It’s a plastic daisy. A laugh bubbles out of her throat.

“You okay?” Chanyeol asks, appearing beside her. He looks to the direction where Baekhyun had gone, letting Kyungsoo know that he’d seen what happened.

“Yes, of course,” Kyungsoo assures him. She hesitates because this is the most inappropriate time for this, but she looks up at Chanyeol anyway. “Chanyeol, you do know that I… that I’m sorry, right?”

“About what?” Chanyeol asks, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“I mean, I never really said anything when you…” she tries and Chanyeol’s expression clears into realization. Kyungsoo has been an awful best friend in this regard. “I never said anything and I’m really sorry about that.”

Chanyeol cups her face, smiling at her fondly. “You shouldn’t even be apologizing,” he says. “You didn’t do anything wrong. If anything, I’m grateful that I’m still your best friend.”

“Why wouldn’t you be?” Kyungsoo frowns. She can’t imagine life without Chanyeol beside her. He’s the most constant thing in her life after her family.

“I love you, you know,” Chanyeol tells her so truthfully that Kyungsoo tears up. “And that holds true, even if you broke my heart.”

And that’s how it goes, Kyungsoo thinks. Chanyeol just showed and proved to her what love really is like. It’s about trying even when you’re afraid, doing it even if you’re not sure you can, exploring even if you think nothing new is out there, going for the things that you want, and maybe loving even when you aren’t loved back. Even if Baekhyun took half of Kyungsoo’s heart with him, Kyungsoo thinks she loves him anyway.

“Kyungsoo,” Joonmyun’s calm voice floats through the receiver, making Kyungsoo miss her and excited to see her. “Are you on your way?”

“Yeah, I’m leaving in a bit,” Kyungsoo says, the phone handset tucked in between her neck and ear. She places one last cardigan inside her bag before zipping it up. She looks around the room to make sure that she hasn’t forgotten anything, although it wouldn’t matter anyway. She was just going away for a weekend. Leaving something behind wouldn’t be detrimental. “Jongdae’s picking me up and he called 10 minutes ago to tell me he was leaving so he’s probably already here.”

“Okay,” Joonmyun says. “I’m just so excited to see you guys!”

“Relax, Joonmyun,” Kyungsoo tries to pacify her, but smiles. “I’m excited, too.” She picks up her bag, takes one quick look at her reflection to make sure that her shoulder-length hair isn’t a mess, and rushes out the door, locking it in her wake.

Kyungsoo watches as the numbers on the elevator panel go down from 7th floor to the ground floor. She smiles as she remembers Joonmyun’s excitement about their get together. Apparently, Chanyeol is going to make it this time and Kyungsoo couldn’t be more pleased.

Joonmyun had made it a point for all of them to see each other every two weeks or, at the very least, once a month. She says that it’s not that hard to come back to New York for a weekend or even just for a day so they could all catch up. Joonmyun, being a stickler for promises and schedules, always ends up getting her way. Mostly, anyway, since Chanyeol hadn’t been able to make it the last time they had a get together. Kyungsoo really missed him. They talked on the phone almost everyday, but it just wasn’t the same without his physical presence. He seemed really happy, though, for which Kyungsoo is very happy about. Aside from Chanyeol, Baekhyun is the only one who’s never come to any of the get togethers.

As soon as Kyungsoo steps out of her building, Jongdae pulls up in his dark blue BMW. Jongdae gets out of the driver’s side and makes his way around to wrap Kyungsoo in the tightest hug he’s ever given her. She grins at him as they pull away, admiring how Jongdae’s features seem more chiseled, and his slightly filled up build, made him seem even manlier and more handsome. His hair is a bit longer, which Kyungsoo thinks is a good look on him.

“You look good,” Kyungsoo tells him once they’ve put her bag in the bag seat and had gotten inside the car. “How have you been?”

“You say that like I wasn’t good looking before,” Jongdae comments as he starts driving. He chuckles when Kyungsoo just laughs at him. “I’m doing great,” he answers her question. “School’s fun so far. How about you?”

Kyungsoo shrugs as she looks out of the window. “I’ve been having fun, too,” she says. Although it’s in a much quieter way that how Jongdae had said it, Kyungsoo means it.

They’ve only been in university for a couple of months but Kyungsoo has already confirmed that it’s everything she imagined and more. The Harvard campus is even more beautiful now that she’s there everyday, walking to her classes, walking on the walkways, past the trees and the grass. It’s everything she’s ever dreamed of.

“How’s Liyin?” Kyungsoo asks, shifting in her seat to look at Jongdae. She knows that they’re still together and going strong in spite of the relationship being long distance.

Jongdae smiles that smile that make his eyes sparkle whenever Liyin is mentioned in any sentence. “She’s good,” he answers with a flourish. “She’s always complaining about her professors and how the Socratic method is outdated but I know she secretly loves it.” Kyungsoo chuckles, knowing all too well about the Socratic method. “How are you? Hey, did you hear that Chanyeol’s bringing his girlfriend along?”

Kyungsoo laughs, nodding. “Jongin,” she confirms.

Chanyeol had his sights set on this one girl in one of his classes, whom he kept on gushing and being a giddy schoolboy about because she is so gorgeous and is so hot and is so cute at the same time. When Kyungsoo told Chanyeol to ask her out, he wasted no time doing so and now they’ve been dating for a few months. Interesting how time flies, and how now Chanyeol is going to make Jongin meet his friends.

“He’s obsessed with her,” Jongdae says, shaking his head. But there’s a smile on his face and Kyungsoo knows that Jongdae is just as happy for Chanyeol as she is.

“Well she is incredibly beautiful,” Kyungsoo tells him. She remembers the first time she met Jongin when she’d traveled two hours to go and visit Chanyeol in Yale, four months into the school year.

They’d met up in a café outside of the Yale campus. Chanyeol had arrived first. Kyungsoo spotted him at the table he’d chosen in the corner and Chanyeol had made his way through, immediately picking her up into a tight hug when he reached her. They caught up for a bit as they waited for his girlfriend, talking about their respective classes and how the rest of their friends were doing.

When Jongin finally arrived, in white sneakers and a simple dress that showed off her wonderfully toned legs, Kyungsoo felt almost frumpy in her cardigan. Jongin had sat down beside Chanyeol, who gave her a kiss on the cheek, making her blush, and apologized about how she was late with this winning smile. Kyungsoo felt charmed.

“Chanyeol having a hot girlfriend,” Jongdae comments, shaking his head in disbelief. “And to think his taste was questionable before.” He sneaks a glance at Kyungsoo, who slaps the back of his head when she realizes what he meant. “Hey, don’t assault the driver,” he complains.

Kyungsoo has always hoped that Chanyeol would find someone who would love him and deserve his love. Jongin, she thinks, is all of the above and more. From what Kyungsoo had seen in her short visit, Jongin adores Chanyeol. Kyungsoo is glad that they found each other.

“Is Liyin coming?” Kyungsoo asks.

Jongdae nods his head. “She’s on her way,” he says. “She actually has a big oral coming up so she’s probably leaving early tomorrow morning.”

Kyungsoo leans her head back on the headrest and looks out of the window again. Their get togethers had originally started as just for the five of them. But then Jongdae started asking if he could bring Liyin along and then now Chanyeol is starting to bring Jongin along, too. It’s not that it really bothers Kyungsoo that she’s the only one who’s currently single in her group of friends—she’s happy for each other them.

It just makes her miss Baekhyun even more.

They arrive at The Plaza just in time for their dinner appointment. Kyungsoo gets out of the car and smooths her dress down as Jongdae gives the keys to the valet attendant. He puts an arm around Kyungsoo as they walk in. They make their way to the restaurant, both smiling easily at the manager, who knows both of them well.

The manager personally ushers them to their table, where Joonmyun, Kris, Chanyeol, Jongin and Liyin are already both seated. The manager bows and leaves them and then the hugs and greetings start. Kyungsoo hugs each of them, even Jongin, who shyly returns the affection. Kyungsoo supposes that Chanyeol’s friends’ acceptance is a big surprise to someone so new to the group.

Taking their seats on the round table, Kyungsoo finds herself seated with Joonmyun and Kris to her left, across Chanyeol and Jongin, who are beside Liyin and Jongdae. There’s an empty seat on Kyungsoo’s right, which makes her feel awkward. It makes her feel even more of a third wheel.

“It’s great that we’re all here,” Joonmyun gushes, clapping her hands together. “It’s been so long since we’ve all been complete.”

Kyungsoo raises her hand to call the attention of a waiter. When one swoops in almost immediately, she points to the empty seat beside her. “Could you please take this out? We don’t need—“

“Soo,” Chanyeol urgently stops her.

“What?” Kyungsoo asks in confusion. “Is anyone else coming?” She senses Joonmyun hesitating beside her. She starts to ask again when she hears footsteps behind her and the manager’s crisp “your table, sir.” But before she can turn around, there’s already someone pulling the chair beside her and sitting down.

“Sorry, I’m late. Got a bit stuck in traffic. I really should have taken Jongdae’s offer to—“

Kyungsoo inhales sharply, feeling all the air getting sucked out of her. She would know that voice anywhere.

“Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo blurts out when she gets a good look at him. She’s aware of how the table’s very quiet, except for Jongdae who’s snickering, but she doesn’t really care. Baekhyun is here and he’s sitting beside her. He looks even more attractive than she remembers, in his slacks and dress shirt.

Baekhyun is stunned for a second, as if he hadn’t realized that she was there, and then he grins. “Hi Kyungsoo.”

And that simple sentence, that one greeting, is enough for Kyungsoo to fall for Baekhyun all over again.

Nighttime in New York is colder than Kyungsoo remembers. She wraps her arms around herself as they step out of the hotel. All the boyfriends take off their coats and put them on their respective girlfriends’ shoulders. It’s just Kyungsoo’s luck that she’s single. Why is she even friends with these people?

Jongdae’s car comes around and Kyungsoo immediately steps forward to get into the back seat because, as the girlfriend, Liyin has the right to sit shotgun. Jongdae and Liyin both pause when Kyungsoo does, though, making her freeze as well.

“What?” Kyungsoo asks, glancing at Jongdae.

“Soo,” Baekhyun calls, a gentle hand on her arm. “I’ll take you home.”

Kyungsoo blushes in spite of herself and nods. “What about my things, though?” she asks after both Liyin and Jongdae give her a hug. “And what about getting back to Boston? You’re not going to make me commute back, are you?”

Jongdae rolls his eyes and waves her away. “Of course I’m not going to let you commute back,” he says in exasperation. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He and Liyin get into the car and drive away.

Kris’s car arrives next and he and Joonmyun leave with Chanyeol and Jongin. Kyungsoo waves goodbye as they drive away, blushing even harder at Chanyeol’s words. Have fun with Baekhyun.

Being alone with Baekhyun after more than a year of having no contact with him isn’t as awkward as Kyungsoo had thought it would be. Baekhyun remains to be talkative and a good conversationalist, leaving Kyungsoo with barely enough time to sort through the heavy thudding in her chest, which just triples in intensity when Baekhyun slides his own jacket around her shoulders.

“Where are we going?” Kyungsoo asks when they drive past the turn that is on the way to her home.

“I was thinking we could talk some place else,” Baekhyun suggests with a small smile. “Just us.”

Someplace else turns out to be Coney Island, on the rooftop of Kensington Hotel. Kyungsoo’s mind is awash with memories of Baekhyun’s arm around her, her head resting on his chest as they talked about their dreams and their future. Baekhyun leads her to the exact same spot where they had sat back then and lays out a blanket that he had taken from the trunk of his car, where Kyungsoo’s overnight bag is secure.

“Do you just bring blankets wherever you go?” Kyungsoo teases as they make themselves comfortable.

“It’s useful, isn’t it?” Baekhyun chuckles as he drapes a different blanket on Kyungsoo’s legs since she’s wearing a short dress.

“Too convenient, I think,” Kyungsoo says teasingly, taking the blanket Baekhyun placed on top of her to cover him up as well. She sighs as she looks up at the sky. It’s almost a starless night sky, but the dark blue, almost black, breadth of it still makes her feel breathless.

“How have you been, Soo?” Baekhyun asks, breaking the silence. Kyungsoo blinks and turns her attention to him instead.

“Good,” Kyungsoo answers. “Really good. How about you? Where did you end up going to school?” She realizes that he never really told her about this.

He smiles, almost mysteriously. “I’m doing well, too,” he says. “Life is easy when you’re doing what you want to do.”

“I’m guessing you did take up music production,” she says.

“I did,” he agrees with a nod. Kyungsoo watches as the light in Baekhyun’s eyes dances as he talks about his classes and the projects they’ve already started doing. That passion that she saw in him before is still there, but stronger. It makes Baekhyun even more beautiful, Kyungsoo thinks. “So Harvard, huh?” Baekhyun asks when he’s done talking about himself. He’s smiling at Kyungsoo like he knows how she’s doing.

“Harvard,” Kyungsoo says, smiling back at him. It feels surreal to be sitting beside Baekhyun like this and talking to him when, for almost two years, she kept on wondering how he was doing. She was almost resigned to never really seeing him again.

“How is it going?” Baekhyun wants to know. “What are your classes like? I hear law classes can be terrifying.”

Kyungsoo smiles. “I hear the same thing,” she agrees, lightly chuckling.

“I guess you’re having fun then,” Baekhyun presses, brows furrowing a little, confused with her reaction. “I mean, you’ve always wanted to go to Harvard.”

“It’s like a dream come true,” Kyungsoo tells him, smile widening, and Baekhyun’s eyes light up at this. The possibility of what that could mean makes Kyungsoo feel heady.

“Well I’m glad,” Baekhyun says. “I never doubted that you would get there.”

Kyungsoo purses her lips, laughter hiding behind her lips, as she studies Baekhyun, who looks slightly disappointed at the choice that he thought she made. It makes her wonder what he would do if he finds out…

“You should come to our mini showcase,” Kyungsoo suddenly invites him, deciding that she can’t really hold this information back from Baekhyun, who stills, mouth hanging open. “It’s next, next weekend so hopefully you can have the time to—“

“What mini showcase?” Baekhyun asks. His eyes suddenly widen at Kyungsoo’s big grin. “You didn’t take up a pre-law course,” he blurts out in understanding. Kyungsoo shakes her head. “You’re taking up music?”

“Why not, right?” Kyungsoo says, wiggling her eyebrows up and down.

Kyungsoo laughs when Baekhyun suddenly pulls her closer to him and hugs her. So tight that Kyungsoo’s face gets pressed into Baekhyun’s neck and Kyungsoo remembers again that year that Baekhyun came into her life and changed it.

“I can’t believe you,” Baekhyun says when he pulls away. “But that’s amazing, Soo. I’m really happy for you.”

When Kyungsoo had expressed her intentions to maybe apply for music instead of a pre-law course, her parents had given her all their support. It was then she realized that all this time she was the only one who was limiting herself. Sure, her parents, especially her father would have been really happy and proud if Kyungsoo went into Harvard law, but in the end, what mattered to him was that Kyungsoo did what she wanted to. Between law and music, Kyungsoo chose music.

“I couldn’t have done it if it weren’t for you, you know,” she tells him. “I meant it—I still do, when I say that I appreciate you being around back then.” All those feelings, all that Kyungsoo feels for Baekhyun come rushing back out in full force, making her cheeks pink. “I mean, I know that you’re probably—it doesn’t matter. I’m just glad I saw you today, even if I didn’t know you were coming.”

“They wanted it to be a surprise,” Baekhyun tells her sheepishly, rubbing a hand to the back of his neck.

“How did you know this would go well? I mean, we weren’t exactly on the best of terms when you left,” Kyungsoo reminds him, nudging Baekhyun with her shoulder. “I mean, you know, you did break my heart. How did you know I wasn’t still mad at you?” She means for it to come across as a joke, as some childhood memory that they had both been a part of. But the way Baekhyun looks so serious makes her backtrack. “I’m kidding, Baekhyun,” she assures him. “I’m not mad.”

“Do you mean that you’re not mad anymore or that you weren’t mad at all?” Baekhyun clarifies. His shoulders are stiff.

“I wasn’t mad at all,” Kyungsoo answers honestly and, somehow that answer makes Baekhyun frown. “I can’t say that I wasn’t hurt, though.”

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun says, the frown clearing from his face. Now there’s just a sad twinkle in his eyes. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. But you understood, right?”

“Of course,” Kyungsoo says, looking away even as she smiles. She understood and still understands all too well. “We’re friends. I got that loud and clear.”

“Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun starts, sounding slightly panicked.

“I missed New York,” Kyungsoo says, interrupting him. She really doesn’t want to talk about the past and what-could-have-beens. “I always miss New York when I’m away. Boston is nothing like this. I always miss the noise, even though it does get annoying, and how the lights go up at the same time at night. I still think it’s the most beautiful city in the world.” She leans her head on her arms, prompted by her knees. “The city of dreams.”

They’re quiet for a bit and Kyungsoo enjoys the companionable silence. Who would have thought she’d been sitting here again with the very person who brought her here the first time? Maybe it’s the closure that she needs. Somehow Kyungsoo had continued to hope that maybe there’s still hope for her and Baekhyun, even though they haven’t seen each other since high school. But with the way her friends, especially Jongdae, talk about him all the time, she’s never felt like he was completely out of her life. Now, with Baekhyun sitting beside her, she’s proven that.

“Do you remember what I said the last time we were up here?” Baekhyun breaks the silence. Kyungsoo lifts her head to look at him curiously. “Do you remember what we talked about?”

“We talked about a lot of things, Baek,” Kyungsoo says with a chuckle. There’s no way she can remember all the things they’ve talked about at any given time. What Kyungsoo remembers, though, is the way Baekhyun’s voice sounded when he sang to her.

“We talked about me moving around so much,” Baekhyun reminds her, clearing his throat. “And I said that what I learned from that is that you don’t get what you want by staying in one place.”

“Hmm,” Kyungsoo hums, urging him to continue, wondering where he’s going with this. Baekhyun sounds and looks so pensive. She wonders what he’s thinking about.

“There’s another thing I’ve learned from that,” he goes on, taking a deep breath before meeting her gaze. “It’s that you don’t have to move around so much to really know what it is that you want.”

“And what do you want?” Kyungsoo wants to know, leaning closer to him. “Has it changed the last time we were up here?”

Baekhyun shakes his head and there’s a fond smile on his face. “Not really,” he tells her. “It hasn’t changed at all.” He takes another deep breath and turns to face Kyungsoo completely, messing up the blanket they’re sitting on. “Do you know what’s one thing that New York and Boston both have?” he then asks.

Kyungsoo scrunches up her nose as she thinks about it. But before she could open her mouth to say something like “they both have really good universities,” Baekhyun speaks again.

“They both have you, Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun tells her, his voice squeaking a bit at the end of the sentence.

“What?” Kyungsoo asks, dumbfounded.

“I left New York, making you think that I left you, too,” Baekhyun explains hurriedly. “But what I wanted to do was go to Massachusetts and make something of myself before you started school in Harvard. Of course, I wasn’t sure that—“

“You’re going to school in Boston?” Kyungsoo asks in surprise.

Baekhyun shakes his head. “I go to Berkelee, which is in Cambridge. It’s only 12—“

“12 minutes away, I know,” Kyungsoo finishes for him. She blinks at him in amazement. “Do you mean to tell me…?” All this time, Baekhyun has been in the same state as her? “You go to school with Jongdae?”

“Well, yes,” Baekhyun sheepishly says. “But he’s taking up composition and—“ Kyungsoo lets out a sound that’s a mixture of laughter and wonder. “I wanted to tell you when I saw you—“

“You saw me?” Kyungsoo interjects.

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says. “I go to Boston everyday because I have friends who are studying in Harvard as well and—I wanted to tell you, but I wasn’t sure how you would take it and I wasn’t sure if you were still mad at me. I mean, you never tried contacting me.” He pouts.

“How would I have known how to contact you?” Kyungsoo asks incredulously.

“I left my phone number with Chanyeol and Jongdae,” Baekhyun says, still pouting. “I was so sure you would ask them.”

“Is this your way of playing hard to get?” Kyungsoo accuses. “Did you break my heart and then hope I would go after you?”

“Well that wasn’t exactly…” Baekhyun starts guiltily.

“I can’t believe this,” Kyungsoo scoffs. She throws the blanket off her and stands up. She’s not exactly upset, but the thought that Baekhyun hadn’t meant to reject her makes her skin tingle and her heart flutter.

“Soo.” Baekhyun stands up and follows her to the rooftop railing. “I just didn’t want to make a commitment when I was afraid I would hurt you,” he tries to explain. “You know me, I’m not one for steady relationships because they never last because I never make them last. But when I met you, I started wondering if I could make it work, and then I realized that I didn’t want to just make it work.” Kyungsoo looks at him. “I wanted to make it last.”

Kyungsoo just stares at Baekhyun, stunned at the confession that she never thought would ever come from his lips.

“You didn’t talk to me for more than a year,” Kyungsoo points out.

Baekhyun hesitates. “I was waiting for the right time,” he tells her.

“Well what if I’d gone and had a boyfriend when I went to Harvard? What if I met someone, what would you have done?” Kyungsoo demands. It scares her to think that they could have been together and the chance that could have been taken away if Kyungsoo had decided to just move on.

“I wouldn’t bother you, of course,” Baekhyun says. “I’m not expecting that you still feel the same way. I just wanted to tell you anyway that I just wanted to do the right thing. I wanted to do things right between us. I didn’t want to take chances.” He breathes deeply and looks up at the sky. “If you don’t want this, if you don’t want me, of course I’d leave you alone. But if you do…”

Kyungsoo frowns at Baekhyun, tracing the contours of his face with her gaze. Kyungsoo had missed him so much and had wondered everyday what it would have been like if things had gone differently for the both of them? As it stands, Kyungsoo doesn’t really have to wonder so much now.

“I hate you,” Kyungsoo mutters and Baekhyun looks at him, a smile forming on his lips. “You already know what I’m going to say.”

Baekhyun smirks, one end of his lips going up higher than the other, as he faces her. “Does this mean I win?” he asks, quirking an eyebrow.

“No,” Kyungsoo replies, shaking her head. She takes a step forward as he takes her hands in his. “This means I--“

Baekhyun doesn’t let her finish and shuts her up with a kiss. Kyungsoo’s eyes widen before they fall shut, lashes fluttering against her cheeks.

It’s more than Kyungsoo ever thought it would be. Baekhyun’s kiss tastes like hope, longing and affection bundled into one sweet and perfect package, making Kyungsoo tingle from head to toe. She wraps her arms around his neck and hopes that he feels the same through her kisses.

When they had met, Kyungsoo was 17, young, naïve, completely unaware of the world around her, Baekhyun was 18, young and too jaded at such a young age. As their friendship grew, as they became closer, they both learned from each other that the world isn’t what they think it is, that the world is beautiful and that there are many things in it they could be happy about. Kyungsoo learned to find herself and to be herself. Baekhyun learned to stop running away and pushing people away. Together, they learned to trust themselves and each other.

Now, they’re still young, but a bit more grown up, a bit more mature. Kyungsoo’s eyes are opened to the wonders and the opportunities the world has for her and Baekhyun is more open in a way that he hasn’t been ever since he was a child. Now, they can look outside of themselves and see what more is out there.

This has been a long time coming and Kyungsoo is glad that it’s here now.

Finally.

one | two
MOD NOTE: You've reached the end of the fic! Thank you for reading. If you'd like to leave a comment, please do so in THIS Livejournal post!

1. Obviously a 1980’s au. I hope it was okay.
2. I hope you don’t mind that I used Kyungsoo’s pov, instead of Baekhyun’s. That was originally what I was going to do, but I thought Kyungsoo’s pov was more interesting. I also hope you don’t mind the other pairings that I’ve added.
3. I had so much fun reading things. Your prompts were all so interesting. Thank you!
4. Thank you for reading this monster!